Friday, August 08, 2008

Green

Damae, my close friend who used to be Senior Training Officer before me, visited us today. She’s getting married this 18th of October and she came to take the design of the gown I’m supposed to wear to her wedding. Of course I didn’t have it yet. Haha!

Looking at her, she was positively beaming today. Rael was with her and I can see it wasn’t a bad match at all. A tap on the back for me as proxy for a tap on the back to Daddy too. We saw it coming. We helped set it up, believe me you.

Damae reminds me so much of everything I want to have. She’s just so sure of herself, you know? She’s full of conviction, lively, witty and strong. She’s got people eating out of her hands, boys crushing after her, people simply admiring her, period. I have to admit I compare myself to her some times (can’t be helped, I took her position after all), and I feel palling compared to what she did when she held my stint. I’m sure that’s not objective, but I’m sure it can’t be totally untrue. She just projected the image that everything was under control, when here I am seeming that I can really almost just care. I’m sure STEP-UP feels the void, seeing I can’t love the cause like she did, God help them. They loved her better too. People were still referring to her months after she moved back to Bicol. She was so strong they said. One even said, she was strong given what she had to go through.

This is something that happened months ago, but I want to share it because I want to get over it. This is my therapy. You see, I love her, but there were times I wanted to hate her. I really am just a brat, I know. I like hogging the limelight. KSP. Whatever you call it. But deep inside, I asked that day, “What she had to go through? What SHE had to go through?” And something bitter twisted inside me and turned black. I don’t know if it’s an excuse, but hearing this just a few months after losing both my parents where I was left with the burden to carry on for my sister and my cousin and a house too large for three, it wasn’t just the right time. I did not say her pain wasn’t great, it was. I know loss is loss. But she lost a boyfriend, a potential mate, when I lost my source of life, my providers, my protectors. There were some who said losing a husband or a boyfriend is a shock because it’s an aberration of nature. It’s a given that parents being older must die first. Wise-asses, them all. They try losing both parents in a short span of time. They try to be the one automatically delegated to pick up the pieces and to sally forth clueless, not by virtue of some special characteristic but just because she’s eldest. Then they can come back to tell me :Oh that was so much easier, really. Even if they did, it would be a lie.

I was hurting, I was trying, but I felt unappreciated and alone. And insecure. And inept. Because I was failing to keep it all together. Meanwhile, she looked so strong after her loss. The bitter vile had to spit out: well, she does have her family intact, doesn’t she? They’ll help her pull through. Meanwhile, I’m the one supposed to help my family pull through, like I was made of steel or something, like I can magic away my own grief and pain if only to assure my sister and everyone we aren’t going to the rot.

What did they think that took? A couple of aspirin and a nail spa appointment?



I think that was one of the many turning points that made me decide to just stop trying. I will fucking grieve. I will fucking not care. I am in pain. I am lost. I do not know what to do with my fucking self.

And here I am still lost. Still hurting. And yet still pretending I’m fine. I’m fine.

And she’s getting married. She’s with her family. Her hair’s great.

I hugged her when I saw her today because if I didn’t I might’ve knocked her teeth out. J

Don’t worry, there is no serious vehemence in my anger. I just want to be better. And better and adept for me is how Damae does it. I really shouldn’t compare. This is just one of the many little black things I really should release if I want to be anywhere near better.

I’m sorry Damae. I’m sorry I ever felt that way. I can imagine you laughing with that worried look in your eyes saying “Baliw ka, Bruha ka!” and I’d agree.

Thank you for being there for me. Your hand holding mine gave me strength. It gave me an inspiration. I can be better. I can be strong. I can get it all together. I will. Of all the people, you were the one who understood.
Thank you and I sincerely wish you the best of God’s blessings for your marriage. I will not envy you anymore. Rael’s not my type, for one. Hehe. But you --- you will always be my heart’s friend.

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