Sunday, September 30, 2007

Echo! Echo!

I also attended Tita Remy's daughter's debut party in Alabang last night. I was with some of the LRO people, namely: Bing and hubby Tantan, Geo and bf Nino, Tita Guada and hubby and Ian. I pity those who do not know Tantan, personally know him and can converse with him because he is such a laugh! My stomach hurts with all the LOL and ROTFL. No wonder he got a hot babe like Bing. I mean, hello! Bing needs a smart man who can make her laugh. Cos she's a smart girl. Unlike some of the girls we saw during the party.

Bing, weird enough, was the first to point out a pretty girl who was one of the 18 wishers for the debut. Tantan and Ian stood up and watched the whole thing. Amidst ribbing and quips of, "Pwede, pwede!" the girl started to speak and Tantan said, "pare, wag na lang kaya natin pakinggan? baka ma-dissapoint lang tayo." ("Maybe we just shouldn't listen, we might get dissappointed.")

True enough, my brain refused to register anything she said, because it was totally senseless. To which Tantan said, "Sabi ko sa inyo eh." (I told you so.)

And to Bing I said, "Nothing but Echo! Echo!"
(As in, you could whisper in her ear and hear your voice echo inside her empty cavernous head)

Bing smiled serenely and said, "Hindi talaga binibigay ng Diyos lahat sa isang tao..." (God really doesn't give everything to just one person)

Wise and sagely, that. Amen. Amen.

Would I rather be pretty and shapely? I think I'll keep ME the way I am. I rather like the feel of having functioning brain cells. And besides, I DO have a shape, and that is round.

So, to all the boys: Visiting the Grand Canyon is far more amusing. And it wouldn't cost you as much as keeping an Echo Girl. So Goodluck, luck, luck, luck.......

La Salle Area Exposure Part 1

After exactly one year, I'm back in De La Salle teaching CWTS. I don't know if it's just me, but I'm getting the feeling that it's getting harder for me to relate to these kids. They all look like adults to me, so it astounds me when they manage to say the most nonsensical things. I think, maybe, I'm just getting old. They are also getting rowdier. Or maybe, I've become less tolerant. When I try to wonder why, I came up with only one reason:

I already know how short our lives can be, and how unexpected its end might come, so waste not a minute! Every second I try to call them back to focus at the topic at hand, every second I try to jibe them back into attention, are in effect, seconds wasted. But maybe, they haven't realized that yet. Maybe, I'm just getting geriatric.

Anyhow, yesterday, we went on field to Mapulang Lupa, Valenzuela where we are working with the Urban Missionaries. One thing I can say though, no matter what people think of La Sallians, to me they're not really matapobre. The kids, although some of them got bored by the end of it, did not show disgust on their faces, not once. I see this kids in the classroom, and they're all English-speaking brats who needs personal yayas, but on field, they deal. Sometimes, I'm even proud of them. :p

I'm amazed at myself for saying all these, knowing I had always preferred Ateneans. Who by the way won the UAAP Basketball semis last Thursday by the skin of their teeth. Booya! Wish them luck today. :P

Back to the topic. Yesterday, I was impressed by my students. If they felt anything other than pleasure about being in the squalid area, it didn't show on their faces. I know they must have found it difficult. I found it difficult and I work in an NGO.

It was raining hard too, and the unmade roads were muddy and slippery. And poop on the ground were all mushy as well. And the clothes hung out to dry were already soaking wet. My face was hit by dripping bras and undies nth times. It's hard work for me. But for them who might be new to it, it must be Calvary. But they were all little rays of sunshine. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Maybe next time I will praise them for their behavior. Give out M&Ms at the end of the class as reward and motivation for next time. Just have to remember its for them and not for me. :D

Friday, September 28, 2007

She Got It!

Ella just asked me to check her mail for a reply from the office of Sen. Mar Roxas. Ganun pala yun? I was sweating while waiting for the mail to load. Sobrang kinakabahan din ako. I was scared that if they were telling her sorry, I would have to be the one to break the news to Ella. But thank God, they're accepting her instead! :p

I am soooo happy for my sister! She really wanted the job, and... I really wanted it for her. Kahit ano pa yun, it's still a prestigious agency. And I'm so glad it's Mar Roxas and not some sleazeball from Senate (like aforementioned pomade-man et. al.)

So, we celebrate? :P

Thursday, September 27, 2007

when your mind plays tricks on you

Last night, I dreamt that all this time Daddy and Mummy were just hiding in the wardrobe and weren't really dead. When I realized this, I opened the door and Daddy jumped out laughing. I hugged him soooo tightly and was saying I'm sorry because I sold our car. He said it's okay, we'll be okay, and I was thinking how our old life would come back now that they're back.

Then Ella woke me up. She said she felt my forehead and I had a slight fever. My stomach was also cramping like hell and I was woozy. I was angry she woke me up. I really thought my dream was real. I started getting angry at God for making me dream that, just to make me feel miserable, I supposed. But I caught myself and realized, it was supposed to be the other way around. My mind is playing tricks on me so as to make me happy even if it was only for a couple of brief moments.

I must be somewhere really low right now for my subconscious to play tricks on me. I'm getting sick again because I'm sad. It's always been that way. :(

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Starstruck sa Senate

I accompanied Ella to a job interview in the Senate today. She was called in by the office of Sen. Mar Roxas for a legal position in economic research. Of course, it wouldn't be such a good imprssion if I stayed in the office with her so I loitered around while waiting. I found myself on the 2nd floor Session Hall where a senate hearing over the ZTE Broadband deal was being investigated. Kinapalan ko na lang mukha ko and sat down to listen.

Wow. I usually hate those smug-looking senators on tv, but when you watch the session pala, you get an idea how human they still are. The first 2 senators I saw up close was Enrile and Jinggoy Estrada. My God. Enrile is old. And Jinggoy's pomade-stricken hair is tall. I found myself wondering if he really did think that kind of hairstyle was ever in fashion? Then, to the good guys: I saw Mar Roxas and Francis Pangilinan. I saw Alan Cayetano and Pia Cayetano. I like how Biazon carried himself. And of course, there's Chiz Escudero. :P

Starstruck ako.

Ella got positive remarks for her interview. Sana nga tawagan siya for hiring. I would love for her to work there. Wow. Talaga, wow.

:P

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Conversing With Myself

I have confirmed it.

I am now fully convinced I am insane. While waiting for Ella to finish browsing through her Friendster (eewww... like so five years ago!), I started introspecting about my feelings. For the boy. If only because more people are speculating now, wanting to know what's making the difference in me.

I needed the time off, even from my own fantasies. I needed a brutally honest time alone with myself. Thanks to my sister, I had it.

I asked myself this:

You know that you are going through grief. You know that people who went through losses sometimes try to replace the people who abdicated their life with those who are near enough to fill it. You feel alone. You don't like the feeling. You are terrified of being lonely.

First question is: Are you so terrified enough to be desperate?

Honest answer: Maybe.

Next, this boy you like. When he's around you always want to be near him. You wish work was over so you can go home and see him. And as if you want to make sure he's there, you have to touch him. Didn't you say you like holding his hand?

Second Question is: If you take away the ability to touch, and if he doesn't feel warm to the touch, would you still seek him?

Honest answer: Maybe not.

Take away your illusions about him. Try to see him clearly, plainly. Look at his very essence. Do you like what you see? Do you see yourself living with those qualities?

Then the answer burgeons out. Sharp as swords.

No. He's not the One.

The answer is firm and solid. It came from somewhere sure. I didn't know I can be that sure. So what do I do now? After all the hullaballoo, what happens?

Do I return to the lackluster Olivia, who does not shine from within because she's not really in love pala? it's the greatest beauty implement, being in love. No wonder people get addicted to it.

But I don't want to be one of them. I need to retain my rational mind to balance the excesses of my emotions.

Now that I know the truth, I should feel like I've been set free. So why do I feel like I've imprisoned without hope of morning?

Shoot. What's the mantra again?

This too shall pass away. It better. And fast.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Kooki KC



Hay. I've always been told that I resemble KC Concepcion, except that maybe I've been bitten by too many bees because I'm "namamaga sa katabaan."

I don't complain at all because I happen to really like her -- face, attitude and all. Recently, she's been all over the news; and with her special documentary about to be shown, she's getting quite a megastar like her mom as well. I like the fact that she's so down-to-earth and funny. If I was famous, I'd want to be like that. And of all the many young celebrities in the country, I don't think I like anyone more than her. Actually, I don't like a lot of celebrities, only her. Just her and Marky Cielo. Ha! They are, I believe, the 2 people I'd like to have as friends, regardless of whether they were famous or not. Because I think, there's something more to them. Stuff I'd love to discover in the course of friendship.

I really can't decide. I want her life. But I'd settle to have her as a new best friend. :P Diba, parang ang saya? Someone that witty and well-versed to have discussions with and to shop with. But maybe my friends and I are a little too unglamorous to find ourselves in the same circles of society. Meeting her, I suppose would be enough. :p

If you want to get to know her a little herself, visit her multpily site to understand why I think she's all that:

www.kooki.multiply.com

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Queen of the Misty Country



I see you making your way to the middle of this country you’ve recently discovered. You believe it is in your own world and you alone have found it. But others have come before you, each of them thinking they were alone and that they were the first.

You have met the citizens of my country. In your world, you have called them fictional characters. But here, they exist. The fairies and the imps, the ryls and the knooks, the pixies and the nymphs, the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit, the hobbits and the elves, the assassins and the mercenaries, the unhinged geniuses, the golden-locked maidens and un-maidens, the sorcerers and enchantresses, the dark and the bright ---- they all exist.

You have followed a convoluted path through the regions of my realm. Now, I feel you coming closer to my tower. I can sense your very human energy pulsating like a star in the dark. I can almost taste your lifeblood --- earthy and metallic.

You do not know it yet, but you have come for me. You understand nothing of your desire to come to my country; you can hardly remember how you came. But it is me you seek. And I know what will happen once you have laid eyes upon my face.

It will shake the foundations of your firm beliefs. It will unnerve you to the point of insanity. It will terrify you. Without a doubt, you will realize you have fallen so deep down an unexpected chasm filled with mist.
You will take a step back. Two steps back. You will think of escaping the gilded cage that your emotions presented. You will flail upon the invisible latches that closely snapped upon your wrists, but it will be too late. You have seen me and that is enough for you.

But enough. You are at the foot of my tower; I can hear your breathing, rapid and shallow. I know you have found the door and your steps as you made your way up echoes through the hall. I stand facing away from the door. Any minute now you will come bursting in, calling out for the lady of the tower, claiming you have come to save her from the evil enchantment. But there is no enchantment, this is not my prison. This tower is my palace and I built it myself. It has protected me for so long. The door does not open for everybody. I have allowed you to come this far, this hour….

“Lady…” you called out from the top of the stairs. I do not turn around just yet. For it is only now that I am realizing that I have called you here. I may not have known it, but I pulled you here by sheer force of my desire. For I have loved you without realizing why.

“Go away.” My voice sounded hoarse, unused.

“But I have come to rescue you.”

A sudden anger fills me. “I have no need of rescuing!” I whirl around. Your plain face registered the shock of seeing mine. As I knew you would, you took a few steps backward. If your countenance is unhandsome, mine is monstrous. Sequestered in this tower, there was no need to maraud the country with my unbecomingness. But now, you are here and my whole self feels as if it were raw. My heart might as well be laid bare under the sharp blade of sword.

“I have seen you long before, in a country not unlike this one; one I visit when asleep,” he said.

I laughed sarcastically. “Then you were frequented by nightmares.”

“No.” he steps forward. “What are you hiding? You must have known that upon seeing you, the love that bound us will be utter and complete. Your face is just an elucidation of specifics. But the love I feel was sowed long before, a time when we ourselves might not have been born.”

“You must not love me.” I shook my head, disbelieving.

“But I do, my Queen. I have seen the country of your imagination. I have traversed it, I have known your creations. I have never seen anything or anypeople, as mad, as ingenious, as dark and bright and as real as they are. You, they are yours. You have made them. They live in you, the woman that has stolen my heart.”

It is now, the only time that my words have failed me.

“Well then?” he asked. “What need you in this tower? Let me get it for you and leave.”

“I need nothing from it. Once I step over the threshold, the whole thing will crumble to dust.” I cast a glance around my world, my ivory tower. I knew it would be my last.

“Take my hand, Queen, and let me lead you back to the open spaces of your realm.” His palm was held out towards me and his smile was one I have known ages ago, before even time knew it existed.

And I took a step towards him.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Crossing the Threshold

I've never wanted anything more complex than what I want this moment:

That you were feeling the same way I felt when we parted. That you smiled for not knowing why or what for, but that you just felt like it. Maybe you knotted your eyebrows while you wondered why. Then, though it's difficult to admit it, you realize that yes, it's because you were with me.

Actually, even if you just smiled without thinking much about it, that's something already. That is hope. And there is our chance.

Honestly, I am getting weary praying to God that it might be you. I'm starting to think His non-intervention is a sign in itself. I've done this before, remember? And failed miserably. It took a lot of my strength to admit to myself that I may have fallen in love with you. And if I was wrong again about giving my love to someone who can not return it... if I am just making a fool of myself again...

Then this world would be seven hundred degrees crueler than I view it to be. I might never recover.

Kaya ngayon pa lang , magkalinawan na tayo:

You're not gay, right? Sorry, i need to ask because, uhm, that was mistake number 1.

If you're not gay, are you hung-up on your mother? Or maybe you're taken by a secret girlfriend you never told me about. Please tell me it's just one of the many guy insecurities I've heard about. Because if the problem isn't you, then I'd have to accept that it's me.

Yikes, problema yan. :p If you're waiting for me to slim down, screw you. Yes, I'm strange most of the time, too peachy for you average pessimist, and too smart for my own good. But if you let the thousand and one reasons hold you back, screw the world. Cross the goddamn threshold, little boy.

Hold my hand again and we can do it together.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Dream Lives



Have you ever gotten that tight, achy feeling in the middle of your chest and you know it isn't sadness but something else? It gathers in your breast and it threatens to surge up your throat, and it isn't like you're going to be sick all over the place either. It is not happiness, but it is light just like it. It isn't anger or grief and it dosn't feel like confusion. It feels like it is sure and solid and it is pulsating and trembling inside you. On top of everything else, it is warm and it feels like its billowing within and that if you let it, it would burst from out of your chest like a star and rejoin its family in the night sky.

It's almost like Hope. You know, that feeling you get when it dawns on you that there is a chance that something beautiful is about to happen? It isn't just a mixture of bliss and joy but something painful as well? But right now, it's still somewhere dark, and it couldn't find a way out. A part of me says it isn't coming yet then another part insists again it's just within my reach. I shiver with anticipation, then I check myself because I am terrified I am going to be disappointed.

I often feel it in the strangest places. Inside bookstores when I'm surrounded by aisles of books. Inside the theater watching a movie I am enjoying. Standing by the sea or in the middle of a green field. It doesn't stay for very long, but it overwhelms me enough, and it is vivid enough to make me still feel traces of it days after. Then, I just want to believe. In anything. Anything is possible. Or better yet, something is possible for me. I have a purpose and I just don't know it yet. But I will.

For all appearances, I have lost it. But could it be, that if someone can try to describe it, what I'm actually feeling is not an emotion but a promise?

That even if I convinced myself I am aimless, I actually have a Dream left inside of me. And only then am I comforted.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Stardust



Oh my.

What have they done to Neil Gaiman's Stardust?

Have you read the book? I swear, read it. It is seven billion times better than the movie. It is not as kooky or silly as the film made it out to be. I think just because it follows a fairytale pattern, the filmakers took the liberty of making it as nonsensical as can be legally allowed.

Michelle Pfeiffer was... ludicrous. And don't get me started on Claire Danes. I was never a fan of her wide-eyed cuter-than-thou acting. But she turned the ethereal but witty Yvaine into... into... Claire Danes. And the boy who played Tristan, well... maybe he's okay. But he is very forgettable. The only thing I enjoyed was Robert de Niro's performanc as a gay pirate captain although the elucidation was definitely not part of the original story. A pink feathered boa wearing, silk dress donning captain of the free ship Perdita was invented on the spot, it seems. And what were those ghosts hanging about the remaining Lord of Stormhold commenting like half-assed and drunk sport commentators?

If you haven't read the book, maybe you can bear to watch the movie. But if you liked Gaiman's novel, steer the hell clear. I know the changes were sanctioned by Gaiman. He was very involved in the production. I wonder why he let them do it?

I suppose, consumerism has the answer under the guise of "appropriate media formats."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Team LRO 2007

Couple of pics of the Luzon Regional Operations Team during our Planning Workshop in Laguna last August.


front (l-r): Bing, Jing, Guada, Jeni, Remy and Geo
back (l-r): Raffi, Me, Ian, Stan, Edwin and Iyad


Weird, but it feels like Family to me.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Bead Power



My Tita and I are into a new thing: we're trying our hand at selling beaded jewelry.

I've been doing it for the last 2 years, mainly making abubot for myself and my friends. But now, Tita saw the profitability of it in the US where everything costs a lot. She asked me to make a few pearl strands which she brought to the States and what would have sold for P70 here sold for $5 there! And they say it's still so inexpensive!

Now, we're even selling some at the sari-sari store and somebody bought 2 bracelets already.

My only problem is, I'm so used to making the jewelry for myself that it's so hard to let go of them to sell. Of course I'll make them the way I want to wear them! Hay. But I'm enjoying it not only because I'm getting money from it but also because it feels nice when somebody likes the stuff I make.

Who knew, right? That I could cater to the tastes of the kikays of the world? :P

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Hole in the Soul

It feels wicked.

All my life, I had a direction. Forward, always moving onward. Up. It feels like a sin, therefore, to not know where I really want to go now.

My dreams were ALL simple. And they all revolved around 2 people. Now those 2 people are gone, all the dreams broke along with them.

Now, I have none.

On one hand, it is the most heartbreaking thing to not know where you're headed. In the other, I feel like a clean slate able to go anywhere I want.

Except that I don't know where I want to go.

One of these days, I'll choose a path. I may or may not know where it leads. I'll just keep on living and being amazed by the knowledge that people can exist aimlessly ambling along. That people can even keep smiling with a Grand Canyon-esque hole in their soul.

Monday, September 03, 2007

The Misadventures of Nancy Drew


Ha.

I was supposed to watch a premiere showing of Nancy Drew today. Ian gave me 3 free tickets and I hyped Ella and Dre to go along with me. Except that from minute zero, fate tried to stop me from watching it.

First, I rode the wrong jeepney going to Makati. I found myself traversing Roxas Blvd when what I wanted was a jeepney to bring me down at the UN Ave LRT station. I went down and rode another jeepmey which I thought would pass by Taft. But as it turned out, it takes a left a good 3 blocks before the corner. Argh! So I rode a taxi and wasted Php 150.

When I reached Greenbelt 3, I thought it was a blessing that they haven't even started letting the people in. I thought Fate was making it up to me for giving me such a hassle in commuting. The minutes ticked by, then hours, and still no movie!

The lagarista did not make it on time for the 7:30 showing. Actually, we gave up waiting around 9:30 p.m. They said the movie will start in 15 minutes, but we've heard that for the nth time in the last 2 hours. Dream FM as sponsor and organizer was so palpak.

note to self: if ever I am going to use a film showing to promote my product, make sure that:

1. I set it on the date I know I already have the film IN MY HANDS; and
2. Get competent staff who will not wonder aloud in the cinema lobby if they faxed the letter right to the delivery person/company.

When I told Ian, he thought I was joking. I wasn't blaming him of course, he so good-naturedly provided what would've been an amazing ticket. But... the event itself: WAS A BIG LOSER JOKE.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Quick Stop

Alryt, this is going to be quick. I'm in UP (alma mater!) to meet up with Gilda and Terteen. They're both going to be late, fortunately. So I have this few precious minutes to log in a post. I was sure I had something in mind today, but I probably lost the thread of it while doing the threadmill inside Cinefit. Spent 2 hours re-watching The Covenant (remember the hot male witches?) and heck yeah, they were still hot and can still melt brain cells too.

Then, I probably had a slight aneurism because I bought new blouses and new office shoes. Well, it wasn't exactly splurging. PBSP is re-issuing its dress code and I can't wear my comfy slip-ons anymore. Okay. Enough about shopping.

There was something. I'll be damned if I remember. Except maybe I can ask this question instead:

What if there's this guy you like, but he does not fit your expectations of a, well, guy-you-like? I.e. does not like books, does not like music, does not even like company. And since I am not 15 years old anymore, I'm not about to memorize NBA statistics or stock up on car catalogues and watch wrestling (what's that type of wrestling they do in a cage? kinda freestyle? basta yung gory). He's just like a guy's guy. Not meaning gay, of course. I have had enough of that for three lifetimes.

I guess the question is, can you help me freakin' understand why I even like him?

I sound like I'm 13. But well, Im not embarassed to admit that when it comes to love, I have the aptitude of an 8 year old.

I miss those days when the world was simple. When love equates to chocolate, pizza, Nancy Drew books and kite-flying with Mummy and Daddy. Hate means vegetables, Mrs. Bigaw and school.

Now, there's this whole spectrum of like, passive-like, assertive-love, blah, blah. When the white and blacks mixes in with varying shades of gray and one can just get so lost trying to find color again.

(sigh)

Wish I was 8 again.