Sunday, September 16, 2007

Dream Lives

Have you ever gotten that tight, achy feeling in the middle of your chest and you know it isn't sadness but something else? It gathers in your breast and it threatens to surge up your throat, and it isn't like you're going to be sick all over the place either. It is not happiness, but it is light just like it. It isn't anger or grief and it dosn't feel like confusion. It feels like it is sure and solid and it is pulsating and trembling inside you. On top of everything else, it is warm and it feels like its billowing within and that if you let it, it would burst from out of your chest like a star and rejoin its family in the night sky.

It's almost like Hope. You know, that feeling you get when it dawns on you that there is a chance that something beautiful is about to happen? It isn't just a mixture of bliss and joy but something painful as well? But right now, it's still somewhere dark, and it couldn't find a way out. A part of me says it isn't coming yet then another part insists again it's just within my reach. I shiver with anticipation, then I check myself because I am terrified I am going to be disappointed.

I often feel it in the strangest places. Inside bookstores when I'm surrounded by aisles of books. Inside the theater watching a movie I am enjoying. Standing by the sea or in the middle of a green field. It doesn't stay for very long, but it overwhelms me enough, and it is vivid enough to make me still feel traces of it days after. Then, I just want to believe. In anything. Anything is possible. Or better yet, something is possible for me. I have a purpose and I just don't know it yet. But I will.

For all appearances, I have lost it. But could it be, that if someone can try to describe it, what I'm actually feeling is not an emotion but a promise?

That even if I convinced myself I am aimless, I actually have a Dream left inside of me. And only then am I comforted.

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