Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I didn't know that grief can cause loss of words. It took a while for us...

Breathe. Speak. Live. Smile. Function. Work. Think. Love. Pray. Hope. Wish. Hurt. Cry. Laugh. Remember. Believe.

It still hurts, but we'll make it through.


Daddy would've wanted it that way.


We will always remember you when we look at the sun... we dearly miss you.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Turn My Head

Walk by me... and call my name.

Don't allow me to ignore you. Rock my boat, stand in front of me and don't leave until I look up from the book I'm reading. Introduce yourself. Comment about the sky, the color of the bench, the humidity, the title of my book, the patterns on my skirt. Talk. Get my attention.

Turn my head.

Or else, I'll miss you completely. And I'll miss out on living a whole life with you in it. I'm trying my best to pay attention to the little signals and the great epiphanies which might lead me to you. But I can't find you. The world is swirling about me, colors clash in my eyes. I might have just lost you to it.

I tried to be the brave little girl searching for you. I went out there and tried to find you in the faces of the people with possibilities. I cannot find you. I might not be very good at this, I guess.

Find me... please. And turn my head.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Drinking Coffee, Walking Wounded

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We were three girls in a coffee shop discussing a range of topics from falling in love with priests to how to unlearn the fear of love and finally to moving on after a messy cancelled wedding.

Sitting there, the differences amongst us were glaring.

One was self-admittedly stubborn, holding on to a hope that might damage her internally and threaten a vocation badly needed by the Church.

One was fiercely determined to redeem her self-respect after being jilted a few months before their wedding.

One was just plain scared to fall in love again, a process she calls disgustingly inane now, after having given 100% the first time and being fundamentally wrong about her assumptions.

But we were pretty much three sides of a singular pyramid, going through what I can only call the muck that love is.

One would never admit she's stuck in a moot point, her heart utterly lost in the recesses of the deep well of confusion of a struggling-to-be pious priest.

One would never admit she still feels for the former fiance, even if it only were feelings that manifest itselfs in her tears and in her anger, and that it might not be the right time to enter another relationship.

And the one terrified of giving herself a chance to find true love because of her fear of rejection--- she would never admit that she's never felt lonelier, uglier and more unlovable as she does now. Not to mention stupider.

We're the walking wounded. Sh_t happens and we happen.

How many of us exists, I wonder?

Friday, December 15, 2006

What a Disappointment


I've been so psyched the whole week about today's Lantern Parade in UP. I even took a day-off to make it an official gimik day.

Then I found out it's been cancelled due to threats which the administration believed would come from the rallyists against the UP tuition hike.

A lot of my former classmates will kill me if they read this but...

I'm not one of those who believe that everytime there's an issue to be fought you take it out to the streets. Rallies are becoming tired tools for protests. A lot of people don't take it seriously anymore, and even sneer at it. They scoff and say, "Sus, may rally na naman." Is this really what we want the people to think?

You would say that holding rallies is a component of awareness-raising, a venue to lay out points of view not only for the authorities but also the masa.

But whatever awareness raised by such angry actions (i.e. burning of effigies, etc.) and words (pabagsakin! itapon sa kangkungan!) cannot be unbiased. It's also just one form of brainwashing through kindling raging ire --- no matter how justified it may be. And everyone's got cause to be angry these days. Everything can be complained about. It's not so hard to stir discontent and a lot of mobilizers are using that to manipulate the masses.

Is it possible to use rallies sparingly? Mass mobilization is such a powerful tool -- let's use it wisely. A little pressure at the right pressure points (right time for the right issue) can change the face of the world. Compare that to the noise and chaos that modern rallies have evolved to. If we are doing this for progress, why then the need to slur, burn, raze, hate?

No, I did not sell out. I still believe that we need to overhaul our government, we need to teach people to vote for more capable (and not more popular as the case may be) leaders (not politicians), and we need to help the less fortunate by providing them with opportunities to build their capabilities which would increase their ability to choose a better future.

But how can anger bring peace? How can insults increase understanding?

I really am striving to understand.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Marry Me Not

Congratulate me, I think I’ve just had my first marriage proposal.

Of course, I imagined it a bit differently. I would’ve preferred to have been in a yacht, having dinner at the deck with a perfect view of the moonlit sea. That’s how I imagined it if I was lucky to find a well-to-do guy.

There’s a simpler version though and it doesn’t mean it’ll make me less happier. Sagada lang, overlooking a great mountainscape and the guy I love holding my hand. I don’t care much for that bending-on-one-knee type of proposal, it doesn’t make much difference to me. Besides, I’ll have the trouble of deciding pa if I’ll kneel down with him or haul him up or whatever. Just look me eye to eye na lang and mean it. The ring is important though. I know some girls say it’s ok lang for the ring to follow; but for me, a ring being there would’ve shown forethought. There’s nothing bad about spur-of-the-moment proposals, but I’d feel better if I knew the guy really thought about it and is sure of what he’s asking me.

What I never imagined was that the first marriage proposal I will receive would come from an old man who’s a bit touched in the head. I barely know his full name. I met with him in the office reception area because he claimed to be from the media. That being my job now, I went to him and was disappointed to see that he was that guy we want to blacklist from our events. He looks like your normal wizened fellow until you look into his bloodshot eyes and his manic stare. This time, he brought a familiar (a mousy looking big fellow who looks just as loony as he does -- much like Peter Pettigrew from Hary Potter).In the pretext of asking about PBSP’s Foundation Day, he then proceeded to attack PBSP’s credibility and standing in society. After discussing to me the conspiracies that revolve around the Marcos wealth and not to mention his off-tangent dialogue on poverty as Satan’s spawn, he asked me if I was already married. When I responded on the negative, he went on to say he’s a widow and he’s looking for a wife who can stand with him on his crusade against Satan. “Gusto mo yun?”

I had to fight the urge to stand up and leave them. I can only go so far humoring this lolo. That was it, the meeting is ended.

I asked him if he has any more questions about PBSP and did not wait for their response. I said that since it looks like there’s none, they should just wait for my fax inviting them to PBSP’s Foundation Day. Not. They can die waiting. Which won't be long now anyhow.

His parting shot? Because I was panting after climbing up to the third floor where the reception was he asked, “What is it called again? Obesity?”

To which I firmly answered, “Yes sir, I am overweight. Goodbye.”

Sorry, when it comes to my obesity, I have acquired thicker skin and callused heart. No one, absolutely NO ONE, can make me falter by referring to my weight. Took me years to learn to take it in a stride and no lunatic will get the better of me.

To get this when it’s starting to bother me that I’ve never been in a relationship-- it’s evil. :p Fairy godmother, can’t you find someone a bit younger, less crazy? Yes, I’m sure. I understand you can’t get me Prince William, but don’t give me Mahoma’s lecherous uncle naman.

Hope the next proposal’s golden, I'm counting on it.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Sunday, December 10, 2006


This blog has its many uses for me. I get to practice my writing style. I get to discuss geeky things that I find interesting. And unfortunately for those who read it, I also use it as an outlet for the things that threatens to overwhelm me from the inside. This entry will fall under the last category.

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I was on my way home last Thursday when I fell asleep inside the FX. Midway through the trip, I woke up. I was jarred with the inexorable feeling that I have lost something too important. It was utter, complete and debilitating, but I couldn't place what exactly I was missing. I looked inside my bag to check if I still have my wallet or cellphone --- and I did. Superstitious notes sounded inside my head, and I got nervous thinking that something might have happened to my family. Having no cellphone load, the feeling intensified. It would have been the perfect time for an accident to happen. But...

When I got home, my Dad and Mom was okay. I called my sister, she was okay. I didn't have any pending work, so it couldn't be this resurrected fear of messing up in the office. I don't know what I lost.

I still don't know. This morning, our puppy got ran over by a Pajero. She was bloody, mangled and very much dead when we got to her. I was hoping that was it: I just had a premonition of what was gonna happen to the cute poor thing.

No luck though. There's still this hole, this vacancy, inside my heart. Something's gone and I didn't even know what it was.

I cannot even begin to analyze it. Everytime I try, I fall into this deep scary hole and I just need my wits about me to scramble my way out again.

Will I ever know what it was? Will I get it back? I do not think I can bear living my life without knowing.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Moleskine's Here

About ten months ago, somebody asked me if I knew where to get moleskine notebooks. And I went, "Mole-what?"

As it turns out, moleskines are to notebooks as Ford and Audi are to cars. Supreme excellence captured on paper or that's what they claim. It helps that the makers can brag that Van Gogh to Picasso, from Ernest Hemingway to Bruce Chatwin and other well-known artists and writers used it during their time. Now this notebook is available in Manila. Visit www.moleskine.ph and order from there. I have intense lust for one, but UNFORTUNATELY, a small notebook costs P 900 and a large one costs P1,250. I faint. Sigh.

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This sucks. I'm not going to shell out that much money for notebooks. It has got a seductive hold on me though and I believe I won't be able to sleep tonight. Sooner or later, to console my frustrated subliminal hunger, I will probably go to Papermart in Grace Park, Caloocan and find my favorite notebooks made by the Queen Mother's own paper maker. Those only costs P 30 each. Such a far cry.

But chrissakes, it sucks to be poor sometimes.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Nightly Prayer

Here goes my favorite night prayer written by St. Augustine of Hippo:

Watch them, dear Lord, those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight, and give Thine angels charge over those who sleep.
Tend Thy sick ones, O Lord Christ.
Rest Thy weary ones.
Bless Thy dying ones.
Soothe Thy suffering ones.
Pity Thine afflicted ones.
Shield Thy joyous ones.
And all, for Thy love's sake. Amen.

Good night. Ssshh, sleep now.

Christmas is so near I can taste it. :P

Saturday, December 02, 2006

The Covenant

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"Harry Potter, kiss my a**!"

How very... verbose. The above phrase was mentioned in the early part of the movie and it seems an apt warning for those who chose to say in thir seat and wasn't scared away by the Led Zeppelin-esque music during the starting credits.

I have got to say that their premise is undoubtedly interesting. Ipswich in Massachussets was thought to be where the whole witchfinding mania started and there was something breathtaking in the whole "Sons of Ipswich" context. Unfortunately, the movie was badly acted, badly directed, and well, badly written.

One good thing about it?

Eye-candy galore, baby!

What the freak are Abercrombie & Fitch underwear models (sporting developed six, nay, 8-packs) doing pretending to be high school students? Oh, I don't care.

Me like. :p

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What are thir names? Darn if I know. Not one of these guys are gonna make it anytime soon because they can't act to save their lives. But well, who needs to act, right? If they can just be hot?


Friday, December 01, 2006

A List Of Odd Stories

The world seems to be full of odd stories the past 2 days. Weird and strange in either amusing or horrifying ways, it seems. Want to see the list I've made?

1. Somewhere in the Phils., a cat gave birth to a puppy (or at least, a kitten that looks like a puppy)
2. Somewhere in the US, a mother killed her baby by putting him in the microwave oven
3. Typhoon Durian (Reming) devastated Bicol; Metro Manila people scratched their heads because Signal No 2 was raised with nary winds nor water felt.
4. Poor dolphins are up for display at SM Mall of Asia.
5. Children in Congo are being driven to the streets by their own family, half of them accused of witchcraft

Can you imagine how many more eccentric things are taking place on the face of the planet as we speak? Interesting world we live in, really. Makes one think one life isn't enough for you to live through its many possibilities.

Post Note:

I am deliriously happy today because I found a secondhand copy of Terry Pratchett's Equal Rites in Booksale. I bought 5 other books and it only cost me P 370 all in all. What a bargain! The book fiend inside me rejoices. :) Here's my reading list for the weekend:

1. Re-reading Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett
2. The Annunciation of Francesca Dunn by Janis Hallowell
3. Storm Front by Jim Butcher
4. Re-reading Sunshine by Robin McKinley

Yeah, I just need a weekend for that. Oh and I'm also making headway in my self-taught Spanish lessons.

As my primer says, I now can:
1. Greet others (Hola! ?Que tal?)
2. Introduce others (?Como se llama la chica? A: Se llama Anna)
3. Say where people are from (? De donde eres? A: Soy de Manila)
4. Express likes (Estoy terrible. Si es Lunes!)

The longest sentence I know now is:
?Cula es tu telefono? and
?Que quiere decir regatear?

Sigh. Got a long, long, long waaay to go.

Strange Horizons

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Humanity's new frontier might as well be in a new corner of the universe.

Stephen Hawking, the author of the popular and challenging book entitled "A Brief History of Time", encourages humanity to explore the possibility of space conquests.

"Sooner or later disasters such as an asteroid collision or a nuclear war could wipe us all out," said Professor Hawking, who was crippled by a muscle disease at the age of 21 and who speaks through a computerized voice synthesizer.

"But once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe," said Hawking, who was due to receive the world's oldest award for scientific achievement, the Copley medal, from Britain's Royal Society on Thursday.

Previous winners include Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin.

In order to survive, humanity would have to venture off to other hospitable planets orbiting another star, but conventional chemical fuel rockets that took man to the moon on the Apollo mission would take 50,000 years to travel there, he said.

Hawking, a 64-year-old father of three who rarely gives interviews and who wrote the best-selling "A Brief History of Time," suggested propulsion like that used by the fictional starship Enterprise "to boldly go where no man has gone before" could help solve the problem.
"Science fiction has developed the idea of warp drive, which takes you instantly to your destination," said.

"Unfortunately, this would violate the scientific law which says that nothing can travel faster than light."

However, by using "matter/antimatter annihilation," velocities just below the speed of light could be reached, making it possible to reach the next star in about six years.

"It wouldn't seem so long for those on board," he said.- From Yahoo News

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Stephen Hawkings (pic from yahoo news)

Do I hear a clamoring out there? Yea, Trekkies Unite! :)