This blog has its many uses for me. I get to practice my writing style. I get to discuss geeky things that I find interesting. And unfortunately for those who read it, I also use it as an outlet for the things that threatens to overwhelm me from the inside. This entry will fall under the last category.
I was on my way home last Thursday when I fell asleep inside the FX. Midway through the trip, I woke up. I was jarred with the inexorable feeling that I have lost something too important. It was utter, complete and debilitating, but I couldn't place what exactly I was missing. I looked inside my bag to check if I still have my wallet or cellphone --- and I did. Superstitious notes sounded inside my head, and I got nervous thinking that something might have happened to my family. Having no cellphone load, the feeling intensified. It would have been the perfect time for an accident to happen. But...
When I got home, my Dad and Mom was okay. I called my sister, she was okay. I didn't have any pending work, so it couldn't be this resurrected fear of messing up in the office. I don't know what I lost.
I still don't know. This morning, our puppy got ran over by a Pajero. She was bloody, mangled and very much dead when we got to her. I was hoping that was it: I just had a premonition of what was gonna happen to the cute poor thing.
No luck though. There's still this hole, this vacancy, inside my heart. Something's gone and I didn't even know what it was.
I cannot even begin to analyze it. Everytime I try, I fall into this deep scary hole and I just need my wits about me to scramble my way out again.
Will I ever know what it was? Will I get it back? I do not think I can bear living my life without knowing.