Sunday, January 27, 2008

26 Things People Ought To Know About Me

That is, if they cared. But I'm Turning 26 today, it's my day! So it's easier to pretend people care! :p

1. I have increased my book hoard by 80% the last year, it's now at 2,879, no, bought 2 kanina so, 2,881 books. And to think I sold 109 books last year to increase shelf space. Swear, my house will be a virtual black hole someday. It'll just implode with the sheer weight of words per square meter.

2. I am addicted to black blouses and frilly cream shirts. Go figure.

3. I am earning a measly 16,800 basic pay plus 2,000 in benefits so I cannot support having 2 addictions. Either the books or the blouses have to stop. Okay. The blouses have to stop.

4. I went down from size 22 to size 18 due to the weight I lost while in the hospital for 2 weeks.

5. I crave for Century Tuna Flakes in Vegetable Oil at least 1x a week.

6. I can only eat 4 Krispy Kreme doughnuts in one sitting. After that, I'd probably pass out due to hyperglycemia. (I shouldn't eat it anyway)

7. I like European style sausages --- by this I mean Schueblig, Cevalat, Hungarian, et. al.

8. When shopping, a thrill runs down my spine everytime I pass the School Supplies section. Another go figure.

9. I prefer those small carts which carries 2 shopping baskets over the large unwieldy metal cart.

10. I think Colonel Sanders should be post-humously sainted or knighted or both. KFC nourishes my soul more than one could ever think. (Don't start yakking about organically manipulated chick, please, I'll still eat it anyway.)

11. I think Vegans are people with very strong will. Or they're secretly scared of porkchops. Or they're actually closeted anorexics.

12. When I was younger, I had crushes on guys who were brilliant at one thing or another. Secretly, I think I just wanted to compete with them.

13. I liked to think I'm a warm, emphatic creature. But I recently realized, People exhausts the bejeezus outta me.

14. I like chilis. Hotter, better.

15. I like patis with vinegar on rice too, especially when eating tapa or vigan longganisa.

16. I have an unexplicable fixation about the way people's feet smell. Probably because I think mine stinks.

17. I think I have led myself to believe that putting on Olay Total Effects the night before actually makes me prettier the next day. (The thinking part of me knows it's just a confidence thing though)

18. My sister is the only person in the world who can make me seethe with unholy anger. The rest I just play at so I can imitate a real person who feels things.

19. That's maybe why, although I thought I'm friendly, I may just be a fake. A lot of people who call me a friend could still easily revert back to "cardboard character" mode in my life. Only a very, very select few are let in. And even then, I'm worried every moment they'll hurt me or leave me.

20. I am melodramatic to the point that I would literally stop to appreciate wild daisies just because I keep thinking that if I were filming my own life, I'd like this to be one of those pretty shots. Which of course makes me feel overtly superficial.

21. I wish someone would make an MTV of me before I die.

22. As a kid, I used to think I could have telekinetic powers if I tried harder. This was in conjunction with the "I see dead people" thing. It sucks to have a gift you absolutely have no interest in and not have the superpower you really want. Look here: ghosts, apparitions, black cats in windows, eerie midnight pipe music and juxtapose it with blinking at tv to change channels, get Coke from the fridge without lifting my butt from the sofa, not putting down my book when my Mummy wanted something upstairs, cleaning house without lifting a finger. Man. It doesn't even come close.

23. I have assessed that the past year, I have learned to feel less. Death dulls the heart a little I think. Maybe I'll get back to my regular programming in a couple more years post-grief.

24. I want a boyfriend. Now na. Well, maybe not immediately now. Kawawa naman siya, baka mahawa sa kabaliwan ko. Thing is, i don't see somebody inventing the right medicines to make me sane any time in the near future. And that's like... so lonely naman.

25. I will name my first son David.

26. Huh? 26 na? So I guess I ought to live a little longer for me to tell a few more things. Here's my last fact for this entry: Today, I am almost me again. Hope it stays a little a while.

POST SCRIPT

To all the people I've treated like cardboard, I'm very sorry. To all those I let in and then shut down, sorrier still. To those who are IN, and having a hard time figuring me out, please choose to stay and help me figure myself out. Some of you have huge potential to hurt me. Some of you already ARE hurting me just by being let in too far. But I'll trust and I'll believe. I have loved you in ways too far gone anyways. Not like I could turn around and choose a different path. I am giving life my all. I'm really trying.

Believe me, it's the truth.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Early Birthday Greetings

For two years running now, my father greeted me quite early for my birthday. Last year, he hugged me and said happy birthday 4 days early. This year, he greeted me 8 days before my birthday. Of course, given that he's dead might have complicated things a bit.

Seeing him again made my heart sommersault and I almost woke up from the seeing dream. My Daddy had the quirkiest smile. He was reaching out to me.

You can say it's just in my head. That my sub-conscious is showing me things. But given what I've been through and the different feeling that pervades a true seeing dream, I'm pretty sure it was really him.

Now, I just realized that the reason I'm making sure that I'm busy the day before my birthday is because I don't want time to think for myself. I don't want to remember it's my first birthday with both of my parents gone.

And that I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

I am not the same person I was before they died. Everything is affected by my lack of direction now: work, friends, family.

My life is unraveling and the last thing I really want to do is celebrate being born.

This wheel, this life thing, it keeps rolling even without your will. I don't understand.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Crazies

Have you ever felt the kind of love that starts as a tight ball lodged inside your chest then you feel it expand until it seems you cannot breathe?

That's how I felt today looking at my four-year-old cousin, Gabe. I got scared a little by how much I love the little guy. I mean, with that kind of love, it's like being sold on the spot. You know that whatever thing he asks, whichever sacrifice you would need to do to make him happy or you are sure would be good for him, you would do it. It's like having no control over yourself at all. That's the difficult thing about love. It asks a lot from a person, and you are compelled to do it no matter how it will hurt because the idea of hurting or displeasing or harming the person you love will just kill you.

It's scary to love like this, but I have no choice. I love the little boy. I scarily do.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Apply above logic to someone you romantically love. Good Lord. Can I do that?

Maybe, I could.... I mean, right now, the evidence of it exists. To make someone happy... to make that ONE someone happy....

Freak, Seb. Where are we?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Two Crazies talking:

E: Ate, love mo ko diba?

O: O bakit mo tinatanung yan?

E: Wag mo ko iiwan ha? Ayaw ko mag-isa.

O: Ella, ako ang natatakot na mag-isa. Ikaw, malaki chance mo na makakapag-asawa ka. Magkakaanak ka, ako, taga-alaga na lang ni Gabe. Tatanda sa rocking chair na binabasahan ng libro ang mga pamangkin at apo ko sa mga pamangkin.

E: Eh, panu, kung di ako makapag-asawa? Wag ka magsasawa...

O: Try ko.

E: Basta kahit lola na tayo, mamamasyal pa rin tayo sa mall together ha?

O: Holding hands pa kung gusto mo!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My sister and I realized that we are going through life in phases. Ella is where I used to be a couple of years ago. She's at that Quarter-life crisis where she is still re-evaluating her beliefs, asking for her purpose, wanting to know if she can make it in the world. Pretty much how I felt when entering that phase.

As for me now, I realized I am closer to knowing who I am and the things I believe in. The new phase I'm entering now is mainly concerned with stability/ security. I want to ensure that life will always be manageable and that I will not spend my years alone.

Ganun pala yun. There comes a point in your life when the thought of not having someone in your life to help you out, to steady you, to hold you, to keep you warm, to keep you sane--- becomes a terrifying thought. I've always thought them people desperate. But, now, I realize, you have to ask these questions. You must dwell on them for some time so you could figure it out a bit. Kaya ko ba? Gusto ko ba to be a solitary figure for the rest of my life?

Tapos, with that, the next question is: who do you want to spend it with?

I've pretty much thrown all my past standards out the window. The fair, mestizo prorotype no longer entices me. Now you find yourself appreciating the deeper, subtler things like: does this guy respect women, can he clean a house, will he cook for me, does he like kids, and such like.

Just today, arguing with my best friend how panget another guy was --- I realized I've really lowered my standards. He showed me a guy who was not handsome, true --- but he looked neat, his eyes had laughter in them, and it looks like he smiles easily. I found myself assimilating those things and I vehemently denied the guy was un-attractive. But before you call me mature, know that afterwards, I showed Ian the pic of a guy who was really Shrek-ish without the charm and the good-ogre vibe to him. I totally made fun of that poor, hopelessly eeeky guy.

How people change, it's amazing. How people change but not really change is more amazing still. But how people mature without feeling mature is the most flabbergasting of 'em all.

O diba? That sounds so --- well, I don't know actually. I have no idea at all.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Drat!

When you said you liked this song, I thought it was about me.

"I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh, The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe it
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you..."
(Maroon5)

But no. It was about her all this time. :(

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Birth of Love...



is Surprise.

I used to think it was just me. That the 2 instances I fell in love, it both started with surprise. Say for example, read below:

Case 1:

When I was in college, Boy1 was the ONLY guy I ever liked. And the first time I realized I was falling for him was when we started squabbling over him learning basketball. We were glaring at each other in mock irritation when I realized the glare wasn't a glare anymore but a kind of seeing into each other. I think that was when we both realized there were real souls in the other person. We didn't end up together, but we did become best friends. Soul gazes can do that, I suppose.

Case 2:

Boy2 is not my kind of guy at all. He has the complete anti-thesis of all the physical traits I've ever liked, so you must realize how DISTURBING it was to find myself actually looking for him when he's not around. The first time I caught myself missing him, I audibly and angrily asked "What the hell do I care?" But I did.

That was a surprise.

Now, you ask, "Why is she telling us all these nonsense?"

Well, my good fellow, only because I realized I'm not the only philosopher savant to have hit the head with a goddamn hammer.

Marie Henri Beyle was this guy born in Grenoble, France in 1783 and he was actually jilted by his passion, the ravishing Mathilde Dembowski. So instead of hitting the bottles or taking apart a hotel room, he wrote a book he called De L'Amour from which Cures for Love was extracted. Oh and yeah, you might be more familiar with his pseudonym, STENDHAL.

In the book he said, and I quote:

"Even the most ingenuous women, if they have any imagination, are sensitive and suspicious. They may be mistrustful without knowing it, after all, life has been full of disillusionment! So everything formal or commonplace in their first encounter with a man scares their imagination, and the likelihood of crystallization (a realization -- my definition) is deferred. In a romantic situation, on the other hand, love conquers at first sight.

The process is simple; you are surprised, and as a result you ponder over the event that surprised you. You are already halfway to the state of mind in which crstallization takes place."

How true the arrow strikes, eh?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

No More Excuses!

Ella and I bought a personal laptop last Sunday. We both insist that we need it: she for work and me for my writing.

Let's see where this takes us both. c",)

Friday, January 11, 2008

A-Tish-Shooo!

I had my skin testing today for the allergens that causes my rashes. It stupefied me how many possible causes there are. My doctor essentially tried 36 allergy-inducing essences and then pricked the skin to see the corresponding reaction. The result? Tada!



I am allergic to areoallergens / outdoor allergens such as:
1. Cat's hair
2. Dust mites
3. Talahib (wild grass)
4. Yard grass
5. Cockroaches

as well as food allergens such as:
6. Tilapia
7. Oyster
8. Egg yolk
9. Egg White

Good news is that, it's not auto immune so that means I'm not allergic to my own blood. I'm being warned against too much outdoor exposure nga lang. But hello! I travel for business, I cannot avoid the outside world. It's my job! So, I suppose 2 things will happen: 1) In six months, I'd look like one big rash with a girl inside, or 2) my cells will get tired of being allergic and eventually clear up.

So, whose gonna place bets then? :p

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Love Shangri-la Mall. Laging konti ang tao. It has Powerbooks and National Bookstore. Nice wash rooms. And 2 of my fave restos are there:


Secret Recipe @ the 5th floor. Try their:
Irish lamb stew, Cornish pie, Capuccinno Cheesecake, Cocoa Mocha Cake, Almond Coffee Cake (really good cakes, certified!)


Wham Burgers also @ the 5th floor. Try their:
Hungarian Sausage, Hyuuuuge burgers with quarter pound beef patties smothered with blue cheese or dressing of your choice, criss-cut fries and ice cream..

Hmmm....I wish I have a Hungarian Sausage with Cheese right about now.

But no, I have to sleep. Have La Salle tomorrow and must be bright and early for the kiddos. So, nytynyt!

Monday, January 07, 2008

The Cluttered Mind

Tried to keep up withe backlogged documents today and it was so hectic I am quite unabashed that my desk looked like this the whole day:



I even imposed my controlled chaos at the computer desk:



Yeah, yeah, I know. Upended chaos. But don't you know?

This is how geniuses work. :p Ha!



Me and My Gabe


He really does look like mine, eh?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Book in Hand: Lemme show you instead...



I have this lovely notebook which I've decided would become the cauldron of story ideas for 2008. I really do want to get back to my writing this year. I have a fairly good idea to find time for it. I plan to reserve 9 pm to 11 pm to my writing. It doesn't sound much, but at least I'll get something down. And I will do it longhand if only because I don't want to make it an excuse that I don't have a laptop at hand.

So no more excuses. :p

Happy Three Kings Everyone!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

The Magic is.... Pffffssstt

Book in Hand: The Children of Hurin

We brought Gabriel to Snow World last night because we promised him that he'd get to see the whole shebang before classes start. It costs Php 160 per person (adult or children) and well, it's expensive even for that.

Let me just say, it was a complete letdown. You remember Winter Wonderland about 10 or so many years ago? That was awesome. I think it also helped that I was about 11 or 12 years old that time. There was snow falling on you and you could pick it upin your freezing hands and make snowballs and stuff. The one in Snow World were all hard as ice cubes. Even the ice sculptures (which were magnificent but quite common) didn't help redeem the whole thing. But Gabe had fun. So i guess the thousand bucks we spent to see the thing wasn't a complete waste.
:p






Friday, January 04, 2008

the_se7en (minus one)

Rlyn came home from Dubai for the holidays. She's got news of her new (newer than the last new one) boyfriend who happens to be an Arab. We had dinner at Zong and capped the evening with toffee nut lattes from Starbucks.


Mariel, Arlene and Andrea


Moi, Leah and September

Futile


I spent half of my dream last night searching for a boy who does not want to be found.

I'm getting tired of keeping too many things in my heart and none of it becoming a reality. My uncle came as close to telling me that as long as I am not slim, the average guy will have a hard time finding me. It is reality in men's brains, he says. They are looking for physical perfection as a sign of other perfections. I think, his point was that, I should reserve my heart for above average men. Sounds logical to me. But the problem is that: the one I like is a very average boy.

So naturally, it's another futile effort.

And I'm tired of futility. Especially if I'm just another girl to him. Sucks, but I have to start sucking on some reality now.

Go hit your head somewhere hard, Liv and wake up to the truth that --- you're not the perfect one for him.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

A New Year's Blogpost

To this writer, the year that was brought both darkness and light. Strange mixture it is, to be witness to both grief and joy in such a compact period of time. 365 days, after all, is but a breath in the existence of the universe.

I wish I could explain it better: I am constantly surprised by the twists and turns this life brings us. We are thrown fast balls that are really curve balls, we are given poison which turned out to be gifts, and happiness that crumbled easily upon the slightest scrutiny.

I wish I had been faster, smarter or some degrees better in being a human being the past year. Maybe it could have saved me from a lot of grief or loss. But then again, faster and smarter can only go so far in saving a life. Maybe slower and wiser would have done more good during those days I wished I was superhuman.

It was the year I learned the extent of the damage that can be inflicted upon a human heart. I have only studied Biology and was taught that the physical organ is resilient, but once damaged, will only last for long. But hearts shatter beyond physical damages and this can paralyze a soul more than any seizure could have ever done. Hearts shatter --- and it takes super human effort to pick up the pieces. It takes more than one person's capacity to return the desire to even piece it back together. It takes more than one person to return purpose to a life destroyed by grief.

I have only studied Geography. But now I learned the map of lives intertwined as they churn the dusts of the earth. We all should travel to see the world we live in. It is the only way we can really take ourselves out of our self and lay our soul bare to experience the way other people live their lives. The similarities and differences of our ways of living will return vigour and sense to our often times misdirected raison d'etre.

It was the year I tasted Freedom. And it was a bitter tea. I now have no romanticized ideals about living the unbound life. Stripped of my borders, I was ready to expand; but without purpose, there was no point. I am now a woman of my own, and I have defined that I am a woman who needs to be pinned by the feet to the earth, else I float and disintegrate into thin air. Today, I have no qualms about being bound, because I now know I have always had freedom the moment I used my Imagination. No matter the circumstance, I have always been Free.

The year ahead is grainy. I am trying my best not to be overwhelmed. I have my own wishes and desires, and a long list of resolutions. But the most important thing is this ---- I have let go of the past and I am ready to move forward.

I will live as only I can live. I will not be afraid to love nor overanalyze or obsess about its coming and going. I will choose innocence. I will choose honesty and the straight path. I will keep to my principles and pin my feet to the earth. I will be humble but I will not underestimate my strength and my skills. I will guide my steps by the light of the sun and moon, who are now my father and my mother, guardians of my path. I will claim responsibilities given me and accept destiny accorded by His Divine plans.

This is a year of new beginnings and new blessings.

I will face it with courage, with hope, and with Faith.

A New Year's Wish

"May your year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing (or dance) or live as only you can. And I hope somewhere this year, you surprise yourself!" -- Neil Gaiman

Thanks, Ate Raffi for the message.