Friday, January 18, 2008

Crazies

Have you ever felt the kind of love that starts as a tight ball lodged inside your chest then you feel it expand until it seems you cannot breathe?

That's how I felt today looking at my four-year-old cousin, Gabe. I got scared a little by how much I love the little guy. I mean, with that kind of love, it's like being sold on the spot. You know that whatever thing he asks, whichever sacrifice you would need to do to make him happy or you are sure would be good for him, you would do it. It's like having no control over yourself at all. That's the difficult thing about love. It asks a lot from a person, and you are compelled to do it no matter how it will hurt because the idea of hurting or displeasing or harming the person you love will just kill you.

It's scary to love like this, but I have no choice. I love the little boy. I scarily do.

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Apply above logic to someone you romantically love. Good Lord. Can I do that?

Maybe, I could.... I mean, right now, the evidence of it exists. To make someone happy... to make that ONE someone happy....

Freak, Seb. Where are we?

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Two Crazies talking:

E: Ate, love mo ko diba?

O: O bakit mo tinatanung yan?

E: Wag mo ko iiwan ha? Ayaw ko mag-isa.

O: Ella, ako ang natatakot na mag-isa. Ikaw, malaki chance mo na makakapag-asawa ka. Magkakaanak ka, ako, taga-alaga na lang ni Gabe. Tatanda sa rocking chair na binabasahan ng libro ang mga pamangkin at apo ko sa mga pamangkin.

E: Eh, panu, kung di ako makapag-asawa? Wag ka magsasawa...

O: Try ko.

E: Basta kahit lola na tayo, mamamasyal pa rin tayo sa mall together ha?

O: Holding hands pa kung gusto mo!

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My sister and I realized that we are going through life in phases. Ella is where I used to be a couple of years ago. She's at that Quarter-life crisis where she is still re-evaluating her beliefs, asking for her purpose, wanting to know if she can make it in the world. Pretty much how I felt when entering that phase.

As for me now, I realized I am closer to knowing who I am and the things I believe in. The new phase I'm entering now is mainly concerned with stability/ security. I want to ensure that life will always be manageable and that I will not spend my years alone.

Ganun pala yun. There comes a point in your life when the thought of not having someone in your life to help you out, to steady you, to hold you, to keep you warm, to keep you sane--- becomes a terrifying thought. I've always thought them people desperate. But, now, I realize, you have to ask these questions. You must dwell on them for some time so you could figure it out a bit. Kaya ko ba? Gusto ko ba to be a solitary figure for the rest of my life?

Tapos, with that, the next question is: who do you want to spend it with?

I've pretty much thrown all my past standards out the window. The fair, mestizo prorotype no longer entices me. Now you find yourself appreciating the deeper, subtler things like: does this guy respect women, can he clean a house, will he cook for me, does he like kids, and such like.

Just today, arguing with my best friend how panget another guy was --- I realized I've really lowered my standards. He showed me a guy who was not handsome, true --- but he looked neat, his eyes had laughter in them, and it looks like he smiles easily. I found myself assimilating those things and I vehemently denied the guy was un-attractive. But before you call me mature, know that afterwards, I showed Ian the pic of a guy who was really Shrek-ish without the charm and the good-ogre vibe to him. I totally made fun of that poor, hopelessly eeeky guy.

How people change, it's amazing. How people change but not really change is more amazing still. But how people mature without feeling mature is the most flabbergasting of 'em all.

O diba? That sounds so --- well, I don't know actually. I have no idea at all.

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