I miss you guys. Every night I dread going home because I am lonely inside that big house. Sure, the others are always with me... but you two aren't.
Sometimes, it also hurts to reread the stuff I've written on my blog. Because it reminds me of everything we had as a family and everything that is forever beyond my reach now. Like your arms. Like the warmth of your palms when you're smoothing my hair, trying to make all the aches and pains of the world disappear with your comforting.
Like the kisses you've always given like free tickets to hope.
I'll never have those back now. And I am miserable.
I try so hard to be happy, for the sake of moving on. But I find that the past keeps pulling at me. And me, I would rather be stuck, I suppose. Than face a world where I wouldn't have the two of you behind me.
I weep everyday and I hurt everyday and I am tired everyday. My instincts want me to tear out my heart so that it would be this separate thing from me. It seems inhumane to keep on living. I can't do this. I can't do this.
Help me, because I can't.
Flicker as We Go