Thursday, March 08, 2007

R U N N I N G 2 N O W H E R E

Book: Black Swan Green by David Mitchell
Song: I Get Around by the Beach Boys

I held the plane ticket like it was an alien thing. It's the first time I impulsively bought a plane ticket to anywhere. First time to go to a booking office, first time to wait in the devilish line. I spent four hours agonizing on whether I should still pursue the whole thing. In the end, my desire to run away won over and I waited until the blasted tickets were at hand.

Paying for the tickets made me doubt if I was still the same Olivia a few months ago. Am I going insane like Britney Spears? Breaking out of the mold the moment my parents up and died? Or is this, as I think it is, a reaction to the realization that life conjures unexpected tricks and I must as well live it to the hilt?

I'm accumulating travel plans the way I used to accumulate stones. A Tagaytay trip this weekend, a spritual retreat during the Holy Week, Sagada after Ella's graduation, now Palawan in June.

It's as if I want to be in constant motion, get lost in places unfamiliar, because it will keep me away from the house where it even hurts to breathe. I'm starting to feel guilty about spending money we got from the funeral. We're lucky to have a little extra because of the shower of sympathy from different people. Yes, we are orphans after all. And someday, money will be hard up. I know this, I know it full well. The grown up decision should be to conserve, nitpick, scroogify.

But tell that to my heart that is just looking for a place to scream. I want to be nobody. I want to be lost. Maybe then I'll find my steps back into being found.

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