Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Search for Happiness

I was told that we search for our own happiness..

I have always known this. And I always thought I knew where my happiness lies. It had always been my family. No matter how tough life has gotten the last few years, as long as we're together, I was ok. But I guess that concept would need some revision now.

Why couldn't it have been this gradual thing --- this loss? Why do they have to go like packaged peas in a pod? One goes and the other follows... Would it have been such a difficult life if Mummy remained? Or why is it that since Mummy was the one who was prepared to leave, why didn't she go first? At least, there would be that consolation that she is peaceful in heaven. I know it's childish thinking, but would it have been too much to ask to still have at least one of them with us? Would it have altered the universe so much to still have one parent to love us?

A lot of things are telling me Daddy is still not in peace. His presence at home although diminished is still felt. I don't think I'm making this up because there's nothing in this world I want more than for his soul to be at rest. But I can sense he has a difficulty leaving us, I think he is aware of what happened. That the wife he left behind has gone ahead to heaven even before he did. But he's not leaving because Ella and I are still on the rocks.

It would've been less complicated if my moving on was just for the sake of helping those still living. But what if my inability to move on also complicates the soul of those who cannot let go? Hindi naman sobrang pressure yun diba?

I need to find happiness soon.

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