Wednesday, March 21, 2007

off sick

Book in Hand: still Black Swan Green by David Mitchell
Song in Mind: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

Not feeling well today so I stayed at home.

Is the world really expecting I'm all okay now? That after a month of the latest death, I can get back on the rocketship and zoom off to heights above and away?

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. Again.

Burglar, Burglar

Our backyard was burglarized the other day. They took away a rake, the grill, and a CD player. Why do we have a CD player in the garden, you ask? Well, because Daddy put it there. He wanted the house surrounded by music. It's not unusual in our house to have a radio in every room. Really. Minsan, even the bathroom.

So after the break in, I went out and bought security floodlights, sensors and alarms. This Thursday, I'll even have the barbed wire super electrified. Anybody else who tries to climb in at night would have to die. And I'm not calling the paramedics. Sorry.

Sympathy, where have you gone

It was easy to move on the first few weeks because people were ever so concerned and keeps calling. The thing is, now that a month has passed, their belief that we're okay now is not aligned with the way we feel. Ella and I feels, more than ever, the need to talk about our parents. We need to tell them stories which we want to hold on to, things we cannot let go of. But a lot of people fidget now, and/or cannot grasp why we're still talking about it. So we're left to just whispering to each other at night before we go to sleep. Our parents, present now, only in the darkest of the night.

"God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December..." - Sir John Barrie

I Need Someone to Rely On

If there's such a thing as girl on the rebound, then I am it.

Sure, I didn't break up with anyone, since I'm a certified N.B.S.B. (no boyfriend since birth), but I guess I feel like I've lost so much more. And I just keep seeing the way my parents seemed to have weathered all storms because they were together. I keep thinking I need that too to weather this storm. I keep thinking I need a staff to lean on, a shoulder to cradle my head when I cry. I can't over-rely on my sister, because I know her emotions are fragile and explosive even before my parents' death. Having friends around is also different from that quality of intimacy and equal capacity I am looking for.

Luckily, I'm not the kind of girl who attract guys at all, or I would be stuck in a dead-end relationship for all the wrong reasons right now. Unluckily, that depresses me even more, that I do not even have the chance to choose how to ruin my life... Handicapped thinking, I tell you.

I refuse to be weak about this. I will try to think clearly the next few weeks. Infatuations would hav to be handled, segmented and clarified. I'm aware of the weakness now. At least, I can be careful.

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