Tuesday, March 13, 2007

how to make a life

I had been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find a good digicam. That’s the problem with grieving --- you can make anything sound logical inside your head. But the truth is, we’ve survived fairly well without a digicam and if we need one, we can always borrow our uncle’s camera. We have a small budget for the digicam and it won’t buy us quality. So if push comes to shove, I can buy a decent film cam and use the savings for our planned trips instead.

I do have quite an itinerary for the rest of the year. I congratulate myself for mustering up the guts to rock our world this way. Ella and I, we need a bit of shaking up. If we wallow, we’ll go sallow.

So we are pushing through with that Sagada trip we’ve been telling Mummy and Daddy when they were still around. We burned their ears back then telling them how much it would expand our world. We’ll go through with it as a tribute to them. We will move on and we would be the strong adults they’ve dreamt of us becoming.


My sister is graduating this April. She’s going to graduate with honors as we’ve always expected. But instead of being celebratory, she’s finding it a bit harsh. I think she’s seeing it as a little pointless without our parents to take pride in her achievements. I keep telling her that Mummy and Daddy just changed their address, but the souls that would have been proud of her had they been here is still the same souls which would be proud of her in heaven.

But I guess those are just words, easily said. I feel for her pain, but again, as I am slowly realizing, I cannot help her except to stand by her.


When Mummy was still confined in the hospital, I motivated her to get well by promising we’ll go to Tagaytay. And since Daddy was already gone, I enlisted the help of my good friends from work to accompany us instead: Gilda, to keep Mummy amused with her incessant chatter, and Ian, to drive us and tour us there. She always smiled when I said that. She nodded her head and smiled. Once, she even wrote: “Gilda’s a good friend” and “ I like Ian.”

When Mummy died, it felt like a million plans had been derailed, to say the least. But Gilda and Ian offered to keep the promise. Last Saturday, with Tertz in tow, we went up to Tagaytay with nothing practical in our itinerary save for fulfilling a vow.

Was it important where we went? We visited the Franciscan Missionaries, Caleruega, Pink Sisters and a dozen restaurants. Ian also brought us to a private road near his friend’s house which was completely isolated and would have been the perfect place to scream aloud. But --- I didn’t feel like screaming then because I was with good people and it’s hard to feel miserable around them.

At the end of the day, I knew we didn’t accomplish anything tangible, but my heart sure felt lighter. The memory of the trip can keep me going for the next few weeks. And hopefully, Mummy was also with us, feeding the cool wind that was touching us, arranging things so it’ll go smoothly.
I miss Mummy so badly. But my friends are making the process a little easier, a little less heavier than it should be. I’m a lucky, lucky girl. :>

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