Flicker Before We Go
Book in Hand: Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
When is it, that moment, when you realize you have inherited the earth?
Where is it, that place, which bridges your childhood to that great yawning expanse of forever-old?
The house had been restive the past few days. At first, it felt like the same old thing -- My Father wasn't feeling well. My Mother -- as usual -- isn't feeling well either. I have always believed that Money cannot buy happiness, but it can sure lengthen one's peace of mind. My parents haven't had the luxury of peace of mind for a couple of years now. They've been worrying too long about how to pay the bills and where to get extra resources to get by. Luxury is a thing of the past and sacrifice had been a key word in their vocabulary for years. All they have in them is just the faith and the fight now, to keep moving and striving -- to never give up while the going is tough. All we have, on the other hand, is them. I can't lose them.
I've taken to accompanying Daddy home now. Since we don't take the car anymore with today's current exorbitant gas prices, we take the bus, jeep, van or whichever public vehicle that could get us from point A to point B. I find it taxing. The other night, I realized it was even dangerous, at least for my dad. When we got off the bus, I saw him begin to dawdle -- weaving left and right, unsteadily on his feet. He called out to me and groped the air for my hand then said he was blacking out. The last time I saw that happening was with my grandmother (may she rest in peace now) who I thought was ancient. But there was my Dad, just weaving in and out....
And Mummy is in the hospital today because of a compunction of illnesses which I could not even begin to describe. She's been coughing all day and her voice has gone so weak. Her voice just a while ago sounded as if it were fading, soft and low...
It reminds me of candles, flickering, flickering until they go.
And I am powerless to stop it. I am to inherit the earth sooner or later (hopefully, it'll be later), me, who wants nothing to do with it.
There's nothing inside me now but this ---
I am frightened.
I am angry.
It brings me to hate the spark inside me, burning steady, when all I want it to do is to prolong the flame inside the two people I love best in the world. I've always wanted, demanded from God for my light to go out first. But the responsibility of living two lives -- mine and my sister's -- weighs heavily on me. I'm supposed to be strong. I've pretended for so long that I was. I believed it. But what if my suspicion is right: That I lie?
Breaking.
What a lovely dream. To be completely broken and insane ---- relieved of all the responsibilities of this precociously cruel yet adamantly charming world. To never know and to never hurt. To never having to be sensible or rational.
You see, I also fight the fight. The darkness seduces the warrior.
I dance the everlasting dance between shadow and light.
But what price courage to be a victor?
When is it, that moment, when you realize you have inherited the earth?
Where is it, that place, which bridges your childhood to that great yawning expanse of forever-old?
The house had been restive the past few days. At first, it felt like the same old thing -- My Father wasn't feeling well. My Mother -- as usual -- isn't feeling well either. I have always believed that Money cannot buy happiness, but it can sure lengthen one's peace of mind. My parents haven't had the luxury of peace of mind for a couple of years now. They've been worrying too long about how to pay the bills and where to get extra resources to get by. Luxury is a thing of the past and sacrifice had been a key word in their vocabulary for years. All they have in them is just the faith and the fight now, to keep moving and striving -- to never give up while the going is tough. All we have, on the other hand, is them. I can't lose them.
I've taken to accompanying Daddy home now. Since we don't take the car anymore with today's current exorbitant gas prices, we take the bus, jeep, van or whichever public vehicle that could get us from point A to point B. I find it taxing. The other night, I realized it was even dangerous, at least for my dad. When we got off the bus, I saw him begin to dawdle -- weaving left and right, unsteadily on his feet. He called out to me and groped the air for my hand then said he was blacking out. The last time I saw that happening was with my grandmother (may she rest in peace now) who I thought was ancient. But there was my Dad, just weaving in and out....
And Mummy is in the hospital today because of a compunction of illnesses which I could not even begin to describe. She's been coughing all day and her voice has gone so weak. Her voice just a while ago sounded as if it were fading, soft and low...
It reminds me of candles, flickering, flickering until they go.
And I am powerless to stop it. I am to inherit the earth sooner or later (hopefully, it'll be later), me, who wants nothing to do with it.
There's nothing inside me now but this ---
I am frightened.
I am angry.
It brings me to hate the spark inside me, burning steady, when all I want it to do is to prolong the flame inside the two people I love best in the world. I've always wanted, demanded from God for my light to go out first. But the responsibility of living two lives -- mine and my sister's -- weighs heavily on me. I'm supposed to be strong. I've pretended for so long that I was. I believed it. But what if my suspicion is right: That I lie?
Breaking.
What a lovely dream. To be completely broken and insane ---- relieved of all the responsibilities of this precociously cruel yet adamantly charming world. To never know and to never hurt. To never having to be sensible or rational.
You see, I also fight the fight. The darkness seduces the warrior.
I dance the everlasting dance between shadow and light.
But what price courage to be a victor?
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