Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Dat Phan Kinda Scary

Book in Hand: The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde
Song in Mind: Unchained Melody... haha!

Stand-Up comedy, they say it's a confidence thing. Umm, yeah... that's why I never did it. I suck at confidence things.

Those who've seen me deliver speeches and facilitate trainings will probably say I'm lying. But I know it's true because I feel that I'm actually going against the grain everytime I force myself to lay bare my whole self in front of a live audience. And performing (wether it is a speech or stand-uo) is an art, and as an art, must bear an ounce of truth. And the only truth one can be sure of is what one personally knows is true and this is what you offer as a fitting sacrifice. They say the more you do it, the less painful it gets; but I suppose they haven't seen that by going against the grain, I'm probably mostly granulated inside.

Another proof is that they say swimming is also a confidence thing. And yes, you know it ---- I cannot swim even to save my own grandmother (good thing they're safely tucked six feet under good trusty ol' soil now).

Another confidence thing I couldn't get the hang of --- singing with a microphone. I usually sing softly, to myself, and save the heavy belting and trilling for church. And hey, a lot of people say I don't sound bad. But shove a mic in front of me and it's automatic --- I will sing off key. I get so nervous I couldn't hear the notes. It's probably drowned by the sound of all my blood rushing to my head. Good thing I haven't suffered aneurysm yet for all that karaoke singing.

Lastly, they say Love is also a confidence game. You just have to project yourself loveable so as to be loved. I have no problem believing I'm lovable, hey, I'm a regular sweetykins. The thing is, I don't believe I'm attractive enough to make anyone stay long enough to realize I'm lovable. That's the problem.

Aw Gawd, how did I get here? I meant to weave Dat Phan into this entry, hence the stand-up comedy lead-in. I've been watching Last Comic Standing re-runs and I am amazed by this guy. He's kinda cute too. Short, but cute. Oh, and yeah, intense in that scary kind of way.

But to talk about love? Again? May I just request the Cupids flitting to and fro to spare me this year's arrow? Geez, let me go already. It sucks in your country anyway.

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Talking about Dat Phan, it's ironic how he can be such a laugh on-stage and be this overtly serious, driven person off stage. Reminds me of a story I wrote for a Humanities class in college. It's about a professional laugher (you know, the ones who record the laugh tracks in those gag shows) who does not laugh off-duty. A Germanic type of guy who prefers to take life seriously. But he does make good laughter.

So, in the story, he was hired for a million dollars to laugh under a bridge where the body of the woman the client loved was thrown to after she was raped and murdered. Logic is, as a kid, he couldn't defy their oppresors. But now, he can oppose the long-dead villains by laughing at their ghosts' faces, under that bridge. And since he couldn't laugh without crying hot painful tears, he hired our laugher to do it fo him instead.

Don't know if it's any good, I only got a 1.5 for the paper and I thought I would get a flat 1. I was kind of crazy back then and took the unwanted extra 0.5 as a pronouncement that the story ain't goin' anywhere at all.

Oh well.

As a wriitng exercise though it wrung the bejeezus out of me. I cried while writing the climax. I remember the searing emotions which were so intense, it was scary.

Yes, it was Dat Phan kinda scary.

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