I got 2 reactions on my post yesterday. It seems that my friendship with Norman leaves some people baffled.
One of the reactions I got was: Was he your guy best friend you fell in love with and who turned out to be gay? This I answered with a simple Yes. And you’re still friends? Yes. It was the easier of 2 questions.
The other question was much complicated and it came from a close friend. He knew my difficulties relating with Norman (then and now), specifically, how I have difficulties accepting the “Wall” he’s got protecting his heart. You know, the wall which I keep bumping my head on every time I try to dig deeper into him. The massive wall protecting his miniscule self from feeling anything other than what’s logical or sanitary.
The question was, “Why do you still call him the best friend?”
The first thing that popped into my mind is, “For his sake.”
This reply shocked both him and me. I explained further that, it seems this is what normal people do, having gone through everything that we did for more than 7 years now, I have no choice but to call it a friendship. In Norman’s mind, I was a good friend, and as per usual, anybody would want to be thought of as someone good.
But I lost sleep over this response, and now, I think I have clarified the intensity of the reactions his question brought upon me. I still call him my guy best friend because I want to. I need to, because I don’t want to think I lost years of showing who I really am to just one person by distancing myself from him. He will never know it, dear P, but he saw the best and worst of who I think I am. I don’t think I’ll ever do it again with the same intensity. So the relationship I built with him, it’s a museum piece.
To end this entry, I am enclosing parts of my confessional letter to him last 2006.
Each and every word still rings true until now.
"Here's a bit of revelation from me: I have known you for about six years, right? Let it be said now that I have loved you in varying ways in that duration of time. At first, the ease of your company endeared you to me, then the closeness we had confused me. At one point I dearly loved you beyond friendship, and it took some time for it to evolve into this comfortable state of platonic-ity (? is that even a word? :).
(Shux, I'm glad I'm writing this because I think my courage will fail me if I had to say it to you in person. Cowardly as this is, just think that the Olivia who is truest says her piece in the form of writing. This is my element, you kinda knew that, right?)
On that longest bus ride home, I realized that I love you the best way now -- as a friend and willing to be there for you through thick and thin. I have gotten over a lot of my adolescent issues the last couple of years and I think this is my last step to freedom --- just as you had yours yesterday. And though I made semblances of moving on the last four years (i did it twice actually, now wipe that smug look off your face, hehe), this is what I needed. I got over my feelings for you a long time ago, but this is the final release.
Sorry ka, ma-drama friend mo. This is me trying to dispel the heaviness of this e-mail. And in some way fishing for the answer to the most important question I would ever ask you, so please consider your answer carefully:
Grace to your Will,
He answered, "Of course we're still friends. You're one of my best friends." And that sealed the whole thing.