Liv in a Life Well-Lived

I was told that we search for our own happiness.. I have always known this. And I always thought I knew where my happiness lies. It had always been my family. No matter how tough life has gotten the last few years, as long as we're together, I was ok. But I guess that concept would need some revision now. Why couldn't it have been this gradual thing --- this loss? Why do they have to go like packaged peas in a pod? One goes and the other follows... Would it have been such a difficult life if Mummy remained? Or why is it that since Mummy was the one who was prepared to leave, why didn't she go first? At least, there would be that consolation that she is peaceful in heaven. I know it's childish thinking, but would it have been too much to ask to still have at least one of them with us? Would it have altered the universe so much to still have one parent to love us? A lot of things are telling me Daddy is still not in peace. His presence at home although diminished is still...

I miss you guys. Every night I dread going home because I am lonely inside that big house. Sure, the others are always with me... but you two aren't. Sometimes, it also hurts to reread the stuff I've written on my blog. Because it reminds me of everything we had as a family and everything that is forever beyond my reach now. Like your arms. Like the warmth of your palms when you're smoothing my hair, trying to make all the aches and pains of the world disappear with your comforting. Like the kisses you've always given like free tickets to hope. I'll never have those back now. And I am miserable. I try so hard to be happy, for the sake of moving on. But I find that the past keeps pulling at me. And me, I would rather be stuck, I suppose. Than face a world where I wouldn't have the two of you behind me. I weep everyday and I hurt everyday and I am tired everyday. My instincts want me to tear out my heart so that it would be this separate thing from me. It seems in...

Yes, inside my room stands two towers ... Two montezuma-sized towers of new books which I have barely touched the last 2 months. It's no secret that when it comes to books, I'm an impulsive buyer. If a title I was looking for catches my eye, or I was grabbed by the blurb of another one, I rarely hesitate to procure it. And nowadayas, I am barely human to resist temptation. I think I'm trying to keep myself distracted with this little errands I keep making up so that I won't have to spend time at home. So I could forget. I really think I am crippled in my thinking and feeling lately. I keep asking myself what it could probably be. Kanina sa simbahan, I was crying talaga, and I felt the impulse to call Gilda or Raffi. I wanted to ask them who I should approach to talk about my increasing anxiety. It has stopped feeling nice, this compulsive book-buying. Life has stopped feeling nice, this last few months, actually. So I suppose it just figures. :( Anyway, my reading list ...

Book in Hand: still Black Swan Green by David Mitchell Song in Mind: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane Not feeling well today so I stayed at home. Is the world really expecting I'm all okay now? That after a month of the latest death, I can get back on the rocketship and zoom off to heights above and away? I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. Again. Burglar, Burglar Our backyard was burglarized the other day. They took away a rake, the grill, and a CD player. Why do we have a CD player in the garden, you ask? Well, because Daddy put it there. He wanted the house surrounded by music. It's not unusual in our house to have a radio in every room. Really. Minsan, even the bathroom. So after the break in, I went out and bought security floodlights, sensors and alarms. This Thursday, I'll even have the barbed wire super electrified. Anybody else who tries to climb in at night would have to die. And I'm not calling the paramedics. Sorry. Sympathy, where have you g...

life in mini-pics five months ago, when I was still in the luzon operations unit five months ago, when she was still strong five months ago, when he was in the hospital and Ella can't get enough of the flimsy camphone this is where Mummy and Daddy are resting now Gabe makes me smile now you know why... :) a new addition to my fave kids collection, CJ -- my nephew from Kuya Chito Gabe and CJ making life bearable (taken during the aglipay reunion) japanese doll in Mr. JanB Banson's office la mesa eco park, pang-mtv! boating area in la mesa, can't believe this is still fairview... ella during the int'l social science honor society induction ceremony tertz and me during the dlsu workshop in estancia resort, tagaytay when friends from work and i went to tagaytay, I made it a point to visit the franciscan missionaries church which we often visited as a family dito ako ikakasal, if ever... Caleruega also visited Pink Sisters of the Divine Mercy road trip, passenger seat naviga...

I have called the angels from the sky And waited long for the saints’ replies Held on tight to a shaky faith Placed every thing I have and know at stake Did everything I can to make you stay No matter how much my soul has strayed But you were ready to leave Nothing I can do can help relieve your pain Chorus: So my prayers have come to this A single tear and a broken wish A dream that must come to an end For my strength just can’t contend With the will that controls all our Fate I asked for too much far too late Knew it was coming, just didn’t know when I’d be losing you to heaven. All stories and songs must someday fade And the memories the world has made But I’ll take my chance to write you this To let you know you’re truly missed And we will move on as we should live The love you’ve given and love received Will keep you in our hearts far longer than This earth granted time in each others arms… (Chorus) I’ve lost you to heaven But I will see you again I’ve lost you to heaven And it’s ...

#1 : At the risk of sounding like a twelve-year-old I announce to the world that --- I CLEANED MY ROOM! :) Regular readers of this blog will get what this signifies. After months of not being able to enter my room without frowning or hurting myself, I blaggered (an invented word, sorry) it all up and now it's spic and span! Sure, I did not make it through without the dramatic moments. At one point I was hitting the window screen with a broom in the pretense of dusting it off. But I guess my screaming " Ang daya daya daya niyo!!! Bakit kayo nang-iwan!##%! !" gave my real feelings away. I came across my parents' photos and memorabilias I didn't want to see and true enough, it hurt, but --- I have filed, separated, segmented, categorized everything there. Now, I believe I can say that I've cleaned up my ac t and I'm ready to move on . #2 : At the risk of sounding like a fourteen-year-old, I also announce that ---- I DID MY LAUNDRY!!! I love doing the laund...

taken in batangas during the artificial reef deployment. can't say I never smile anymore....

She sat there, wringing her hands. I sat in front of her and was transfixed by her hair. It was white blond, almost platinum. Her face was painfully young, even at sixteen. I cannot believe her to be a day over twelve. She had a pinched look about her, an elfin prettiness that was emphasized by her unusual hair. I found myself checking her ears and I was almost disappointed they weren't pointed. "Is today a good day for you, Tania?" I asked her. She looked at me straightforwardly and shrugged. The movement caused the neck of her hospital gown to slide down her left shoulder, revealing scratch marks. She pulled it up again, and the pink tag on her wrist briefly flashed then was gone again. "I see you have been taking your medicines." I wanted her to talk. She's been unwilling to tell me what happened. It's been fifteen days. "Every day, religiously?" A smile fluttered on my lips. I saw her study my face and then she nodded. "'Cept the n...

I had been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find a good digicam. That’s the problem with grieving --- you can make anything sound logical inside your head. But the truth is, we’ve survived fairly well without a digicam and if we need one, we can always borrow our uncle’s camera. We have a small budget for the digicam and it won’t buy us quality. So if push comes to shove, I can buy a decent film cam and use the savings for our planned trips instead. I do have quite an itinerary for the rest of the year. I congratulate myself for mustering up the guts to rock our world this way. Ella and I, we need a bit of shaking up. If we wallow, we’ll go sallow. So we are pushing through with that Sagada trip we’ve been telling Mummy and Daddy when they were still around. We burned their ears back then telling them how much it would expand our world. We’ll go through with it as a tribute to them. We will move on and we would be the strong adults they’ve dreamt of us becoming. E...

What if, there are people who are meant to fall in love but never be loved back? I’m beginning to prepare myself for the worst… that I will remain unloved for the rest of my life. Of course, agape and common friendships do not count. What if, I was born without the other half? That would technically mean I was born whole, and I’m probably all I’m ever going to need. It sounds so girl-power-ish. But it also sounds so lonely. It can’t be so bad to be held by somebody right? Nowadays, I’ve been needing hugs so badly. What is left of my family turn to me for strength, but aside from God, I do not feel I can turn to flesh-and-bone people anymore. There are friends who comfort me, but to somebody who has shared their heart and soul with their loved one, they would know it’s such a far cry. I need to connect with somebody else so deeply --- someone who can breathe with me, share the burden of being alive, fan the dying embers of the "fight" within me. Where will I find a man strong...

Book: Black Swan Green by David Mitchell Song: I Get Around by the Beach Boys I held the plane ticket like it was an alien thing. It's the first time I impulsively bought a plane ticket to anywhere. First time to go to a booking office, first time to wait in the devilish line. I spent four hours agonizing on whether I should still pursue the whole thing. In the end, my desire to run away won over and I waited until the blasted tickets were at hand. Paying for the tickets made me doubt if I was still the same Olivia a few months ago. Am I going insane like Britney Spears? Breaking out of the mold the moment my parents up and died? Or is this, as I think it is, a reaction to the realization that life conjures unexpected tricks and I must as well live it to the hilt? I'm accumulating travel plans the way I used to accumulate stones. A Tagaytay trip this weekend, a spritual retreat during the Holy Week, Sagada after Ella's graduation, now Palawan in June. It's as if I want ...

Odd and disturbing: I keep dreaming of the old house we lived in, but instead of an apartment, I now dream it is an unfinished four-storey house standing by the sea.. and... it's got a department store inside. I also keep dreaming of a mall that is familiar and yet I know did not exist. It may be the same structure. Odd and frustrating: I can't find my flow at work. Work keeps piling up and I am such a genius in ignoring it. I can't concentrate and I find myself trying to think of other things to occupy my mind with. Grieving's fine, but spacing out is potentially dangerous to my career. Odd and irritating: Ella acting prissy all the time now. I know she's dealing with the same things I am. I'm giving her allowances for her attitude because she's younger. But --- as a sister who loves her --- I still can say she can be a real b**ch sometimes. I'm running out of patience, treading on unruly waters, and really, really near insane. Thing is, I'm not Mum...

if i fall i'd rather f a l l from a great height rather than a safe distance where i won't break my bones but neither will i feel the passion in it i have been so wrong before. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- i need this right now: your hand to hold your wit to amuse your calming stability your stubborness to irritate me make me angry make me feel alive.

This is a story I'd like to read. What the f*** could it be about? Found it while surfing the net...

I took a half-day off today. I went to Central Market with Ella so that we could buy her a Filipiniana get-up for her induction to the Int'l Soc Sci Honor Society and her graduation. I guess that's a parently duty done and over with. Really hard to be playing both mother and father to her now. I never noticed before how sensitive parents should be of their children. It's not just about giving them what they want, but also what would be best for them. I realize now how boxed up I was in my own little world, I never noticed the struggle my parens deal with everyday. Anyway, back to the commentary. Central Market is under renovation and it looked a lot f****d-up right now. There aren't as many shops as before, but there was a goodly number of stalls to make a good choice. We ended up buying her a blouse and skirt ensemble with matching " alampay ." The whole package cost Php 1,800 --- that's a deal!! In SM City, we searched and searched and couldn't find ...

I really am an escapist, you know. I think I should about swallow that kernel of truth by now. When extremely stressed or anxious, I need to change my surroundings. I need to escape if only by watching a movie. I watched Music and Lyrics with my sister and cousin the other night. It was exactly what the doctor prescribed for my affliction -- a dose of laughter and no-brainer plots. It felt good to have another belly laugh after what felt like ages. It makes me feel a little guilty for forgetting even for a second that I have lost the two most important people in my life, but... and this is a big BUT... it also reminded me that love as harmonious as music and lyrics put together can actually exist. Oh, Hugh Grant is such a dream muffin! And oh, I can't believe I'm actually using that word!!He's not actually handsome -- he's slightly nincompoopish, dandified and floppish. But he's adorable. He made me believe that he had been an 80's pop music has-been, and I was ...