january drowning
Have you ever felt as if the sea is watching you?
That while standing at the shoreline with your gaze transfixed on the glittering surface of the water, somewhere farther beyond what your eyes can see --- the sea is watching.
That while you sob or you laugh, while you sing or you whisper softly, somewhere below --- the sea is listening.
That while you hurt, at the very heart of it somewhere -- the sea is crying.
She does. This is what I have learned. This I'm sure is truth.
ONE
At the shores of San Pablo, the sand is dark like ground coffee and it is peppered with broken pieces of shells and corals.
Sometimes, I squish the sand between my toes. Once,I noticed my feet are pale against the dark ground.
TWO
I was only ten when I first discovered the cove behind the large boulder at the end of the beach. I was trying to hide from my Nana Josie. I didn't care about getting my pink Barbie shoes wet. I didn't want to go to the hospital.
The hospital was where people die. The hospital is where my Mama lies dying.
I was running and crying. I couldn't really see where I was going. I slipped on the wet rocks, hit my head on the boulder. I did not faint, but my head was bleeding. The world was swirling.
I must have sat there for an hour. Maybe two hours. The tears kept falling, and so did the blood. The sea water salty as it was, must've become saltier. It might have even tasted a bit like iron. A bit like my blood.
Then a small dark figure slid down the boulder and there he was. My private despair was witnessed. The figure was that of a boy, and when he saw me he looked as if he believed me to be a ghost. I looked at him with just the barest tinge of boredom. I saw he was bare chested and his skin was like chocolate. His eyes were clear and wide. With surprise perhaps. A tinge of fright. I suddenly realized what a horrible sight I must look. I became aware of the blood dripping from my head. I got scared.
I fainted then.
That was how I met Noel.
THREE
He was thirteen. He barely knew what to do when he saw me faint.
I can only remember what he said he'd done after I've fainted. He said he tried to carry me back to the nearest house. Except that, he never made it, since Nana Josie was frantically searching the shoreline and saw him carrying me first. She thought Noel harmed me. Ha, Noel, to harm anyone. Well, it was a mistake. He saved me. I'm not sure if I was in any real trouble. But he saved me from more than just being bleeding to death. I think he also saved me from ... something else.
Something inside myself.
FOUR
I don't remember the games we played anymore. Except for one. Did we ever play Hide and Seek? We must have, at one point. But what I remember is that we played House, and we made the cove our home. At that age, we knew people got married but we probably didn't know why. To us, the whole breadth and depth of our relationship was that he should make sure that the baby wasn't crying and I should make sure there was food on the table. Mostly seaweeds. And rocks.
And when we got tired of that, we just jump into the sea for a swim.
I remember the sea then. It cradled us softly as we played in her navel. It was like being in the arms of your Mother.
FIVE
Mama recovered. She came back home after staying in the hospital for six months.
When she got back home, she told me not to see Noel again. It wasn't fitting, she said. I must stay at home and play with my stupid cousin Clarice. She bought me dolls. I never did touch those. I never played them ever since.
SIX
Sometimes, I saw Noel playing with other kids on a nearby street, playing rowdy games. I never got to join them. I was always inside the car on my way to piano practice or flute lessons, both of which I have forgotten to play.
Always, he would stop and wave at me, at the car, at anyone who could see him. Because Clarice was always with me, I never waved back.
It was one of those days when I turned away from him when suddenly a sad, haunting sound came from the car radio. The driver was playing music from an orchestra. It was my first time to hear the violin. It sounded exactly the way I felt.
It sounded like two children's hearts breaking.
I stopped playing the piano and the flute. I demanded to learn to play the violin instead.
SEVEN
I was sixteen, and I was drowning in angst. It was then when I knew I had to go back to the Sea. To drown away the anger and the sadness I never really understood. I slipped away from the house at midnight. Not knowing any other private, safe place, I went back to the cove.
Not realizing that inside me I kind of knew, Noel would be there as well.
EIGHT
He goes there a lot, he said. He never really forgot the place. Unlike me, he said.
Reproached, I was ready to turn around again and run.
"No, Jan, please, stay."
A plea, in his voice that always had that lilt as all others in our province does. I sat down, facing him.
He asked me why I was suddenly there after so many years. I told him I had stuff to deal with. ANd he told me he did too but never explained further.
"I want to swim." I said. He just nodded and stood up. He reached for my hand and we waded into the dark water.
NINE
We were back in the solace of the Sea. Underneath, you cannot hear anything but the water.
Underneath, it sounded a lot like there was wailing. It sounded like my way of playing the violin.
We both were fighting not to surface. I think we both wanted to stay down there with the eerie music.
When we finally had to gasp for breath, we swam in place facing each other. Not speaking. Both of us had tears in our eyes.
TEN
Rising from the Sea is a cold lonely experience. It's as if you're detaching yourself from the womb of the Earth.
Chattering and freezing, we retreated to the cove. Still cold, we held each other for warmth. So near, we let everything go and kissed.
And Noel said, "Let's play House."
to be continued...
That while standing at the shoreline with your gaze transfixed on the glittering surface of the water, somewhere farther beyond what your eyes can see --- the sea is watching.
That while you sob or you laugh, while you sing or you whisper softly, somewhere below --- the sea is listening.
That while you hurt, at the very heart of it somewhere -- the sea is crying.
She does. This is what I have learned. This I'm sure is truth.
ONE
At the shores of San Pablo, the sand is dark like ground coffee and it is peppered with broken pieces of shells and corals.
Sometimes, I squish the sand between my toes. Once,I noticed my feet are pale against the dark ground.
TWO
I was only ten when I first discovered the cove behind the large boulder at the end of the beach. I was trying to hide from my Nana Josie. I didn't care about getting my pink Barbie shoes wet. I didn't want to go to the hospital.
The hospital was where people die. The hospital is where my Mama lies dying.
I was running and crying. I couldn't really see where I was going. I slipped on the wet rocks, hit my head on the boulder. I did not faint, but my head was bleeding. The world was swirling.
I must have sat there for an hour. Maybe two hours. The tears kept falling, and so did the blood. The sea water salty as it was, must've become saltier. It might have even tasted a bit like iron. A bit like my blood.
Then a small dark figure slid down the boulder and there he was. My private despair was witnessed. The figure was that of a boy, and when he saw me he looked as if he believed me to be a ghost. I looked at him with just the barest tinge of boredom. I saw he was bare chested and his skin was like chocolate. His eyes were clear and wide. With surprise perhaps. A tinge of fright. I suddenly realized what a horrible sight I must look. I became aware of the blood dripping from my head. I got scared.
I fainted then.
That was how I met Noel.
THREE
He was thirteen. He barely knew what to do when he saw me faint.
I can only remember what he said he'd done after I've fainted. He said he tried to carry me back to the nearest house. Except that, he never made it, since Nana Josie was frantically searching the shoreline and saw him carrying me first. She thought Noel harmed me. Ha, Noel, to harm anyone. Well, it was a mistake. He saved me. I'm not sure if I was in any real trouble. But he saved me from more than just being bleeding to death. I think he also saved me from ... something else.
Something inside myself.
FOUR
I don't remember the games we played anymore. Except for one. Did we ever play Hide and Seek? We must have, at one point. But what I remember is that we played House, and we made the cove our home. At that age, we knew people got married but we probably didn't know why. To us, the whole breadth and depth of our relationship was that he should make sure that the baby wasn't crying and I should make sure there was food on the table. Mostly seaweeds. And rocks.
And when we got tired of that, we just jump into the sea for a swim.
I remember the sea then. It cradled us softly as we played in her navel. It was like being in the arms of your Mother.
FIVE
Mama recovered. She came back home after staying in the hospital for six months.
When she got back home, she told me not to see Noel again. It wasn't fitting, she said. I must stay at home and play with my stupid cousin Clarice. She bought me dolls. I never did touch those. I never played them ever since.
SIX
Sometimes, I saw Noel playing with other kids on a nearby street, playing rowdy games. I never got to join them. I was always inside the car on my way to piano practice or flute lessons, both of which I have forgotten to play.
Always, he would stop and wave at me, at the car, at anyone who could see him. Because Clarice was always with me, I never waved back.
It was one of those days when I turned away from him when suddenly a sad, haunting sound came from the car radio. The driver was playing music from an orchestra. It was my first time to hear the violin. It sounded exactly the way I felt.
It sounded like two children's hearts breaking.
I stopped playing the piano and the flute. I demanded to learn to play the violin instead.
SEVEN
I was sixteen, and I was drowning in angst. It was then when I knew I had to go back to the Sea. To drown away the anger and the sadness I never really understood. I slipped away from the house at midnight. Not knowing any other private, safe place, I went back to the cove.
Not realizing that inside me I kind of knew, Noel would be there as well.
EIGHT
He goes there a lot, he said. He never really forgot the place. Unlike me, he said.
Reproached, I was ready to turn around again and run.
"No, Jan, please, stay."
A plea, in his voice that always had that lilt as all others in our province does. I sat down, facing him.
He asked me why I was suddenly there after so many years. I told him I had stuff to deal with. ANd he told me he did too but never explained further.
"I want to swim." I said. He just nodded and stood up. He reached for my hand and we waded into the dark water.
NINE
We were back in the solace of the Sea. Underneath, you cannot hear anything but the water.
Underneath, it sounded a lot like there was wailing. It sounded like my way of playing the violin.
We both were fighting not to surface. I think we both wanted to stay down there with the eerie music.
When we finally had to gasp for breath, we swam in place facing each other. Not speaking. Both of us had tears in our eyes.
TEN
Rising from the Sea is a cold lonely experience. It's as if you're detaching yourself from the womb of the Earth.
Chattering and freezing, we retreated to the cove. Still cold, we held each other for warmth. So near, we let everything go and kissed.
And Noel said, "Let's play House."
to be continued...
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