I thought vulnerability after a life-shocking event was a myth.
Ha. I’m learning a lot nowadays. If there’s such a thing as a rebound guy after broken relationships, could there be a rebound crush after the loss of someone too dear? Is it because I lost a father figure (literally), I’m trying to fill in that void left by his absence with another guy? Of course, given my long-history of utter failure in commencing relationships, all I have right now is this indefatigable infatuation with who I believe is the first guy who made an impression on me after my father’s death. This guy’s not new. He’d been a peripheral in my life. I even kind of referred to him in the past (see entry: Hands). I hate that my exploratory crush on him has come around again, now thrice as big as before. I hate it.
I hate feeling this helpless in getting his attention. I hate the uncontrollability of the situation. I know that there’s nothing I can do to make him look at me that way and I hate having to stay in the wings, fluttering about, like a … a… penniless kid near an ice cream store. I want and I want but I can’t buy anything at all. THAT”S how it feels.