Wednesday, January 10, 2007

alryt, passing through...

Book in Hand: Masterpieces of Fantasy by T. Weiss and M. Hickman
Song in Mind: Angels by Robbie Williams

Okay! Let's talk about ghosts today. I used to believe that all ghosts are scary. BUT --- as it turns out, it's not, especially if you love the person who comes to visit. I love to think my Daddy's at peace now, but I guess since 40 days haven't passed yet, they say his soul is still on earth waiting for the judgement whether he goes to purgatory or heaven.. (I vote heaven though both places daw are peaceful. I mean, who the heck really knows?).

I thought my gift would fail me now that a loved one has passed away. Guess not. I keep track of the occassions that I felt Daddy around the house and this is my accounting of it:

1. for the first 3 days after he died, i sensed cold spots around the house: a) his room, b) the upstairs landing, c) the upstairs bathroom. Once, I even felt it in the funeral house we held the wake in, and it's because I called him to me. My sister called on my cp saying the whole house smelled like candle smoke. I got envious and asked Daddy to make his presence felt to me too. Barely a fraction of a minute later, I was surrounded by him. They're called spots because they are what it's called. You pass the area and goosebumps rise on your skin, sometimes even if you're not thinking about him at that particular moment. It was gone though after his burial date.

2. Again, rooms filling with the smell of candle smoke.

3. The sala set downstairs making creaky noises as if somebody's sitting down on it. It was his favorite spot while watching tv.

4. Last Tuesday night, everyone was seated in the sala and we all smelled his lotion. I wondered then why it didn't smell like Vicks because that was his favorite. We used to tell him we don't like the smell of menthol, but he used to tease us that we would miss the smell when he's gone.

5. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night surrounded by the smell of Vicks vapor rub and it was actually comforting. He was right, we'd miss it.

6. Dreams: have had 3 vivid dreams when he told me things to take care of. The first one, he looked young again and he told me to take care of the house and then he hugged me really tight for a really long time. Second one, he was a bit older and when I asked if he was in heaven yet he answered, "Hindi, nandito pa ako, Dyan sa tabi nyo. Dito lang." Then he held my hand tight. The third one, when I was stuck in the office and in despair (I wanted to fall back into my suicidal mode), I fell asleep in the office dorm and clearly dreamt that he motioned that i should never consider suicide again. Then he closed his eyes and slept.

Hallucinations, delusions, maybe. Or suppose that after such a loss, our sensing has gone on hyperdrive and we begin to claim things that really can be explained by science or logic. But, having lived this weird life for 24 years now, sensing things people call "crazy stuff", with half my memories swimming with ghosts both real and imagined, who really knows, right?

All I know is that when I feel my daddy, I'm comforted. I feel protected. Even the bothersome spirits and elements that used to hound me in the office stays clear now. If I look at it, I lost a Father but gained a guardian angel. One that I can sense more often than the one I saw just once in my childhood. I just hope it won't be the reason why he can't cross over though. I hope that after 40 days it all ends, if only because it's our sign that he's in heaven. Or maybe, it doesn't work that way. Maybe, he can be in heaven and be with us at the same time.

Thing is, no one really knows.

Happy Birthday, Daddy. :) I mean, really, be happy.

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