nakakabaliw

"Di mahanap sa lupa ang pag-asa...
Nakikiusap sa buwan... himala...
Kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng... isang himala..."

- Rivermaya

hindi ko kinaya. nagcommute ako papasok sa office, isang bagay na sa huling dako ng buhay ni Daddy ay halos araw-araw naming ginawa. sabi ko na nga ba mag-taxi na lang muna ako. At least doon, pwede ako maging zombie at magpababa ng diretso sa tapat ng pbsp. hindi dadaan sa letran, o sa lawton, o dun sa mga statuwa ng mga tribu sa tapat ng Intramuros wall. pinagtatawanan namin lagi ni daddy yung mga puwit nilang nakausli. ang hirap ding isipin na mamayang gabi, hindi siya nakatayo dun sa lugar niya sa bungad ng letran naghihintay sa akin para makauwi na kami. hindi ngayong gabi, hindi na kahit kailan.

parang tunog ang drama drama ko. ayaw ko naman mag-senti eh. nakakabaliw kasing kalungkutan ang nararamdaman ko tuwing may maalala ako. minsan, maganda pang wala akong malay sa mundo. wala rin akong mararamdaman.

bakit ganun? parang kayang-kaya ko naman nung mga unang araw na nawala sa amin si Daddy. habang nagbubulyawan sila lahat, kinaya kong huwag umiyak. parang akala ko, okey na. sabi ko, madali lang pala.

eh bakit, biglang ngayon, masakit na naman? triple pa. doble pa ng triple. nakakalugmok sa sakit. nakakabali ng tuhod at nakakasikmura sa tiyan. ang sakit na ng ulo ko sa kakukunot ng ulo. nilalagnat na ako sa kawalan.

hindi man tama, hindi ko rin mapigil dahil yan ang nararamdaman ko. lahat ng tao, bumabati, condolence. Lagi kong pakli, salamat. Nakangiti pa ako. At para di ko na masyadong maramdaman ang pagkabalisa, biglang babatiin ko sila ng Happy New Year. maiiba na usapan. malilimot na nila na maaring malungkot ako. minsan, nakakalimutan ko na rin.

pero, minsan hindi na ako makapangpanggap. mabait ang mga tao, pero para silang nagsasalita mula sa kabilang gilid ng bangin. naririnig ko sila pero hindi ko sila naiintindihan. alam kong di lang ako ang namatayan ng minamahal. ngunit, hindi ko kasi inakala na ako ay daranas ng ganitong sakit. akala ko talaga, pag pumikit lang ako, okey na. mali talaga, mali.

sa kabilang banda, naiisip ko rin na ang galing galing din ng mga tao... ginawa ng Diyos na nakapag-iisip at nakakaramdam tayo. at sa dami ng maaring ikalungkot, ikabaliw... mas marami pa rin ang nagsurvive.

isang himala. ang kayaning mabuhay matapos mabasag ang puso. himala talaga.

Pano ako makakatawid sa bangin na ito? pano kaya makabalik sa agos ng buhay sa mundo? Naghihintay pa rin kasi ako ng himala.

Comments

  1. Stiletto Hiker7:47 PM

    isang tanong lang...hinde pa ba sapat na himala na dumating kayo sa buhay ng isa't isa?

    smile. even when you want to hide and cry. magpasalamat tayo na minsan nakasama natin silang ngayon ay wala na.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Liv Burgos9:58 AM

    :) put that way, yes. it's the accepting part that's hard. but i suspect its within human strength and we'll find a way. :)

    ReplyDelete

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