Friday, May 30, 2008
My world's about to change.... yet again.
Yes, this is going to be one of those i-hate-being-left-behind psychobabble, and don't say i didn't warn you. I'm just getting major whiplash from a deep-seated separation anxiety since I learned my best friend at work has finally, FINALLY decided to leave our organization.
On one hand, I agree that it's a good decision, since he can't seem to make himself like any other open positions inside the Foundation. It just might lead him to the work which would really help him grow... up. Better. Be the man I can almost see him becoming.
It just sucks something bad that it has to be somewhere I can't see. I'm not good with keeping in touch with friends unless they're someone I see on a day-to-day basis. So I get super anxious whenever someone will move out of my "reach" because I am sure something will change. And that's if they're just like "normal" friends. Ian, to me right now, is much more. I made him my crutch when I needed to stand up. He mollified me whenever I get too annoyed or angry, serving as the vacuum where my time bomb could blow up without doing any major damage. I think I even reconstructed my world in a way where he's like one of my personal Atlases holding the world up.
And when he goes... now what? I spin off-kilter again, precariously one nudge away from falling apart. Well, maybe that's just a tad too melodramatic... that's been done already when THEY left me and nothing could be worse than that. But, who to turn to now? In the immediate sense of the word?
I'm losing people to rely on fast. It amazes me how strong I pretend to be, when emotionally I need soooo many people to keep me up. To keep me going on. I can be super girl, but I need reasons. And I'm losing most of the reasons too quickly.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but can you really blame me? I've lost too many people already. Anything that might endanger the veracity of the remaining ones terrify me.
I'm really scared. And sad. And...
Angry because why the fuck did I even start to rely on him anyway? I'm an idiot.
Liv, I think Life's most challenging lesson you HAVE to learn is to NEVER give your heart to people who do not want it for keeps. NEVER. Especially if they didn't ask for it.
Stupid once, Stupid twice.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.