Saturday, May 31, 2008

Happy 27th!

Hey Mummy, Daddy!

I know that it doesn't mean you have acquired super computer knowledge just because you're in heaven now, so the probability of you guys reading this is just, and will always be just, in the metaphysical sense of the world. But I figured I have GOT to write it.

Happy 27th year wedding anniversary. As usual, your spending it together, and maybe right now you're in some knock-out place Palawan and all the ultra-cool places in the world could only aim to be. I mean, that's Heaven, for crying out loud. Ella and I both hope you're enjoying it.

We're kind of recovering down here on earth. I can tell stories about you without crying now, which I think is a vast improvement. I still have the tendency to mention you guys or some anecdote of yours in conversations with my friends, just like some lovesick puppy stuck in an awry, sticky mess. But I think the more we do that, the more we find the strength to glue up the fragments of our broken world. Not that it will ever be whole again, or look spanking new, but we aim to at least put it back together. Just enough to make a living out of our life.

We're still good girls. Too good. Are you sure you haven't installed some chip in our brains which makes us feel sick everytime we just even contemplate to be just a bit bad? Well, okay. We haven't been too good. I still can't follow the diabetic diet (Gosh, now I know why you guys can't follow it! It sucks!), forget to take my medicines, been late for work a jigillion times... oh, and I'm a touch more grouchy nowadays. Easy to get irritated or furious. I figured that's a better way of coping compared to moping around and contemplating what will happen if I accidentally die. Or getting sick whenever I'm depressed. I've read somewhere it might be ecause of the diabetes too. Sigh. I don't know. Nobody tells me what's right or wrong anymore. I'm left to figure it out for myself, and well, it sure isn't easy. Even things like laundry, keeping house, paying the bills, which dog food to buy or plan daily viands for everyone in the house, I mean how do I keep all that inside my head? How did the 2 of you?

But the house is in order. I know how the 2 of you was a stickler for a proper home. I think, so far, we've managed to make it a proper home again. Livable. Even crowded with all our memories together, we manage to wake up with a smile now. It didn't use to be this way. Maybe that's why we spent so much time away in Morning Breeze. The house always made me cry. But now, it's getting better. I guess standing up and facing what needs to be faced is still the best way to get over things.

I'm just glad the 2 of you are still together. You had sticky patches in your marriage and there were times I was deathly scared of losing one of you to divorce. But you guys pulled each other too. I don't know if losing both of you to death was better. But I'm sorely proud that my parents were one of those last vestiges of people who were able to make their marriage work. Through the good and the bad, through sickness and health, and even death cannot keep them apart. It's an envious thing. It gives me a sense of hope that somehow, someday, if I just emulate you guys, I might be able to find the right guy and make it work just as well. Yet it scares me too, because I might not be able to, and I will fail both of you.

I do still want kids. The little David you never got to see is still made of dream stuff floating in the galaxy of potentials. I'm getting more dubious if I will ever get the chance for a little David. I'm starting to believe I was born and built to be alone. Right now, it terrifies me. But the time might come when it would just feel like Me. Olivia, always the observer, documentor of truth, standing at the sidelines, crying tears of appreciation about the pretty things that happen in life, but mostly to other people. I can't believe anyone can make a Life out of it, but it seems I'm doing it too well. Is this what you dreamt for me? I have a feeling it isn't. So there springeth the hurt that I have failed you in this aspect too.

But I will not fail you in the other things. I will never forget to be human. I will never stop being guileless, polite, diplomatic, empathic. I will always seek knowledge and treasure it. I will not stop taking care of Ella. I will be the pillar of the home you left us (will be --- trying to get there). I will always strive to be dependable, capable, reliable. I will strive harder to not be dependent on people (really, it's so hard), losing pieces of my heart (chunks of it, sometimes) to people who always seem not to want it, fading into my imagination (which still overpowers my life sometimes) until reality is gone, because I'm not so good at those yet.

Oh, and the novel is still to be writ. But when it's finished, published or not published, it will be dedicated to you.

We miss you and still love you too the point of bleeding. But because of the same love, we live for you, because it's the only thing that gives our lives meaning. Nothing else to live down here for, except for the mission God is still about to reveal to us. When I've accomplished that, and done my best with all the other things, I do really hope you'll fetch me and bring me home. Because my Home is where you are.

Please, bring me home soon.

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