I felt like ranting again today..
About him and me. Or rather, the absence of it. At that point when I was about to indulge in the rant, a sliver of sanity caught my avalanching emotions and stopped me. Talk about stretching the line, but that thread held. I realized with complete joy that I can control it now.
I can feel bad, diss him for being so confusing. Or diss myself for allowing myself to fall so far. I can even hate myself for not being pretty enough. But instead of doing all of THAT… again, it dawned upon me that what I really wanted was to rise from it. I wanted it to stop. The anger I felt was because of the panic that he’d find someone else before I got over him. I need to be over him first. I need to show everyone, who I am sure is aware by now that we had, have, had something undefinable, that I am soooo over him. In the end, it’s not him I want. It’s salvaging my pride I desire the most.
Because that’s the worst part isn’t it? To not be wanted and have everyone know it.
Blow by blow, these lessons in humility comes. I think the Roman Catholic Church should revise their dogma of what constitutes sainthood. Unrequited love is not the pinnacle of suffering, but I think it comes really, really, really, really painfully close.
Anyhow, shoulder on we must. It’s freaking 2009. Some things need to change. He’s going out with last year’s trash. This year is about me and finding myself. No one, and no man, will get in the way of that.