Friday, November 07, 2008

Let go.

Don’t let go.

Love. Forget.

Have you been here? At the crossroads of a love that is either possible or impossible and you are caught between choosing to let go or hold on; terrified you’ll break your heart, but even more frightened of missing out on something real this time around.

I’m sure I’ll break my heart. Who could love someone so… pedestrian? I do not have that delicacy men find so attractive in their women. Nor am I feisty enough to awe boys into adoration. I am not rich and cultured. I do not exude an aura which screams “better-than-you.” I do not have the prescribed curves. I cannot be literally swept off my feet unless I plan to work in cohort with an orthopedic --- imagine the men who will try only to break their backs. I am odd, awkward, silly, alternating between genius and idiot, ingénue and naïve. Who would want such a roller coaster ride?

It could be so easy to just walk away, if only I can shake off my worries about regretting. What if all it takes is a little more encouragement? What if takes is just a little more time? What would I be missing if I shut him out of my world? I can tear down the awnings, pack up, and just go inside. Lock the door, suppress emotions that proved fatal to my sense of peace. But if I lock myself in, I would never know if all this time he had been standing outside waiting for something to shine through the slits of my boarded up windows.

Kaya eto, I’m stuck praying desperately for a clue.

I’ve loved this guy for 2 years now. I either have to let go or take a leap.

I am terrified I cannot do either one.

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