Monday, April 14, 2008

Never Forget

I was lying in bed already when Gabe came in to say sorry for fighting with me earlier this night. He hugged me so tightly and I melted and now we're okay again. But his hug reminded me of something.... It took me a moment to remember. I might have been subconsciously hoping that Gabe finds comfort in my arms the same way I found comfort in the arms of my parents.

Then it brought me there, to that pinnacle of memories, and I was stunned by how long it took me to remember --- How did it feel to be hugged by them again?

When was it the last time I hugged them? How did it feel again to hold their hands? What was their skin like again? Were their hair soft or coarse? I have vague memories of warmth and softness, but the physicality of it evades me now.

There was one night when Daddy, Mummy, Ella and I were in the same room, sleeping on a small twin bed. We were like sardines atop one another. But nobody complained. I remember that I sat up on a chair and watched them sleep. I listened to my parents snoring consecutively. remember thinking, this might be one of the last times you'll have this, so take it all in. Don't forget every detail. Sear the image into memory, never let it go.

And here I am almost forgetting.

Good Lord, don't let me forget. You know, it might be a long time beforeI feel that safe and complete again. You know, it might be never. So grant reprieve to my fading memory. How was it to hear their voice? How rough were my Daddy's hands? How soft was my Mummy's skin? Please help me keep the only things I have left of them. I lose more of myself everyday. DOn't let me lose them.

If only in my mind, I can remember how it felt, I might still convince myself I haven't totally been abandoned. I might still survive day to day. I don't care if it will just keep me hurting and grieving. I can take that pain.


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