Consolation and Desolation

Sometimes, teevee can be more than just a boob tube. Sometimes, some script writer out there gets a flash of inspiration and writes something so true it resonates. And some director will be wise enough not to sensationalize it. Then some actors are just talented enough not to over-act or to overpower it.

This afternoon, I plopped down on the sofa and watched Joan of Arcadia. After I got over the irritation of having to endure the show dubbed in Taglish, I was sweeped right into the story. Of course, I wasn't able to watch the previous episodes so I could only connect it to the bits and parts I knew about the story back when I was still watching it on cable.

But first, let me tell you a bit of the plot so you'd get my drift. Joan lives in Arcadia, and God talks to her. That's basically the story line. God appears to her in various human forms (my favorite is this teenage guy and the weird Dakota Fanning-esque little girl) and asks her to do things for Him / Her. Joan doesn't always understand why, but after some resistance she almost always follows it. When things do unfold, she'd realize why she had to do it after all. And then she thinks she understands.

In this episode, Joan was diagnosed with Lyme Disease and was told this was why she had been feeling cranky and loopy the past few weeks, months even. It's also the culprit why she'd been having flu-like symptoms. And ---- having hallucinations as part of cognitive deterioration as well. Basically, this means everything she thought was miraculously happening to her, i.e. God appearing to her, could have been just hallucinations.

Meanwhile her Mum and Dad are also going through some crises of faith and are struggling to keep their wits together. God kept appearing to the Mum in her dreams asking her to be open-minded, and the Dad who is stolidly a defunct Catholic was being shown the mysteries of the spirit.

Near the end of the show, the couple were talking inside the hospital room where Joan was pretending to sleep. The Mum relayed that she was in Church earlier and had a talk with a priest. She said the priest told her that everyone goes through the Cycle of Consolation and Desolation.

Consolation was when we felt we were connected to things, that we were in our groove, and good stuff keeps happening which makes us believe, "God must truly love me."

Desolation on the other hand, is a dark well of almost-lost hope. And it lasts as long as it is necessary. What gets us through it is strength.

Joan heard all of this and butted in that, "He does not exist." His parents asked who does not and she answers, "You're talking about God, and he does not exist." It seems she has resolved it inside her that everything she went through for the past year were just derisions.

I hurt so bad after watching that. I must be in Desolation the past few months then, if this can be believed. And after years of thinking God must have something special planned for me, I realized I have come to the point where I do not want to believe in that anymore. It's just been too long coming. In the same way, Joan had something beautiful -- She communicates with Him and He asks her to do good things, noble and mysterious stuff that almost always ends up brilliantly. She was special to Him. To be told that it could only have been imagination is too hard a blow, and this I can imagine.

I do not want to come to the point where I would find myself saying, "He does not exist." Please, no. Because then my life would have meant nothing, and I would have done nothing essential nor beautiful. And yet, even that reasoning is selfish. I am hoping God will validate my existence, my uniqueness. I must start understanding that I, along with the other creatures of this universe, and the course of life that goes on and around us serves as the proof of His existence, His brilliance, His goodness.

I'm just inexorably glad the show gave me something to hold on to after showing me the parallelisms of my life though. The last scene showed Joan sleeping in her bed after rebuffing the existence of God. And it showed Him in the image of the teenage boy walking into her room and stopping by her bedside to watch her as she rested. Then He reached out and laid a hand on her forehead, smoothed her hair. Just to show that Joan might now believe He does not exist, but He remains with her nevertheless.

I may not always see God in the things I do, nor his Hand in the events of my life but He must be just there. Supervising, Facilitating, Mentoring, Guiding and Waiting until I acknowledge the fact that in the darkest nights of my soul, He never left me. I just stopped looking and thus, lost sight of Him.

Please God, let me recognize you in the forms that you take entering into my life. Talk sense into me, show me the path. Please Lord, lead me to my Consolation.







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