You know what I hate most?
Getting all riled up. I hate competitive sports. I hate contests. Because I'm not good with losing. I don't join any contests I am not sure I have a good chance of winning. So I always win. My attitude takes the flavor away some though. But you'd never know that if you read my conquests on paper. It reads like win to yet another win. But its just really a cowards' conquest list because I just won things I already knew I'll win. But in fairness, if you look at it another way, it's like I choose my battles wisely. I do not enter anything I am not ready for. I do work for my achievements, but just not so much as I would if I was not so selective.
Yeah, its true, I appear jolly and nice, most of the time. I think its a self-preservation trick because it hides a temper that can mutilate and searing competition brings it out. Seriously.
That's why I had such a short career in debating. I got to be captain of our high school debate team, in its short career. But much as I was good at it, I hated it. It was just a lot of talk. And sometimes its angry talk, albeit logical. Only when debating can I feel a fire billowing inside my chest and I couldn't control it. So I quit. I don't want to play with fire. It made me feel awful. Like I wouldn't be satisfied until my opponent is decimated and hurting and bleeding, and I'll achieve it any way I can.
I have it in me to be wily and manipulative and mean. I so know this. But I don't want to be that person, so I live a half-life of sorts.
I avoid anger, and act silly and nonsensical because I found that its the easiest way to make people underestimate me. Mellow because I'm yellow. If they think I'm the sober counterpart of Bridget Jones, they wouldn't bother fighting me. And I wouldn't be forced to reduce them to ashes, even if I neutralize myself in the process.
While watching the movie Denzel Washington's The Great Debaters, I felt the heat in my chest again. You know how it is when you recognize something that should be yours, but isn't? That's how I felt. I keep thinking I can have that. But... I'm out of practice. Out of shape. I'm soft all over. I believe I even forgot to speak logically as well. Oh well. Back to the film. It's a good film. It's the story of a small all-black college in Texas which became a great debate team, great enough to beat the Harvard national all-champs. It is an underdog story, the type people usually like. And the debates within are good... I mean it. I would even recommend that people watch it, if they can stand it. All I know is that, it was torture for me, for all the right reasons.
I'm not saying debating is bad, and you should be mean and manipulative to excel at it. I'm saying this is what surfaces in ME when I debate. And I stopped before I can harness and control it. I quit. For myself. For my sanity, and perhaps, just maybe, world peace. :D