Friday, March 20, 2009

F.D. (Friendship Downgraded)

Today, I caught myself laughing too hard and acting too silly. I know I laugh and am silly most of the time, but my recent actions feel too... incongruent with how I feel at the moment.

Laughter ought to come from deep in the belly, I remember the feeling. But the one this afternoon was just like coming from a tin can. So instead of jolly, it sounded closer to hilarity. And I tried and tried to dissect what the freck is wrong with me AGAIN, and I realized it was a survival instinct brought about by one comment from a supposed really good friend.

He told me he was avoiding me because he was avoiding drama, and he's got some of his own at that time. It really pissed me off good. And to think I was already tampo because he chose to share his problems with, it seems, everyone else but me. Well, at least now I know the adage "Sorrows divided" won't work with him. If he didn't think I could listen, and he thought I'd be a further damper, then what's the use of friendship right?

I think I'm still angry about it. And I think it's making me force down my true emotions and replace it with, well, whatever that was.

I speak cheerfully, in loud volumes, as if I'm pushing it out hard and I can't control the decibel. I pull practical jokes so I can laugh hard about it. I laugh.. loud... and to think true mirth to me before meant I can't even produce a sound cos Im laughing to hard. And everytime I think of saying something less than cheerful, I change my mind and replace it with inanities. Happy inanities.

Why? Because if one "friend" decided to move away because of the drama, I can't afford to lose all of them. So my idea of lightening up is to act frivolous.

But I'm not okay with that.

Here's the deal:

I will probably always will be melodramatic. I will always be melancholic. It's in my constitution. I am a positivist, but it doesn't mean I ignore the difficulties and the b-side of life. I have to embrace it because if I don't it will swallow me whole. I write a blog so I have an outlet for this. I talk to selected friends because I thought they can handle it. I can't always be happy all the time. I have changed. A few years ago, I was always happy-looking, regardless of how I feel. Somewhere along the way, I have decided not to be false to myself and I began to wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't regret it. And I am NOT going to start being false again.

But I can restrain showing it to people who cannot handle it.

I am not using my orphan-state as my card for pity. But I think it's a little too obvious that I have little too much on my plate. My life IS a fuckin' telenovela. And the motto is, if you don't like it, don't watch it. And if you can' t handle it, I won't show it to ya.

But it wouldn't be much of a friendship either. You're free now, you're not my crutch anymore. I'll figure out a way to do this without you.

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