Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen 2008

I know I have flamed a lot of movies already, and I tend to be spicier when the movie is irrevocably bad. Yet a lot of the bad movies I watched sunk to oblivion. I wouldn't even bother writing about it. I just regret the few hours I battered my brain with it. But there are some out there that just needs to be... let's put it this way, people need to know not to bother with it. I'm doing God's work, methinks.

That's how I feel about this confused, poor-everything (acting, plot, writing, directing, script... the list can go on forever) movie that happens to be called Dedication. Mandy Moore is in it. That should explain everything, actually (think Walk to Remember and magnify the pathetic acting seven-fold). Why I even gave this movie a chance can be summarized into two words: Billy Crudup. Hunky, almost-can-act... almost. But for some reason, he is the main reason why this movie feels so sluggish. Wargh. Just remembering it makes me want to bite somebody hard.

Plot: Crudup is a comic book writer and his illustrator partner (the illustrious Tom Wilkinson) dies. Mandy Moore steps in to draw the mass blockbuster Marty the Beaver. Happens that, Crudup's charcter is a jerk, loser, butt-wipe, (insert word of choice here). So the whole movie revolves around his mental and emotional handicap and how he struggles as he falls in love with Moore.

The whole thing was a limp, bloody mess. If you don't believe me, go watch it and prepare for a cranial hemorrhage. Seriously.

The GOOD News:

The good thing about watching Dedication though is that everything pales in comparison to its rottenness. You will watch anything just to get the sour taste out of your mouth. It was so bad that I actually went out to pay to watch Twilight. Surprise, the film was actually a relief.

I think it was a better movie, than it was a book... something I don't usually agree with. But nevertheless, it felt a little confused, undercooked, a little TH here and there. But as I said, I am NOT complaining after watching Mandy Moore look through a telescope... AGAIN.

Ella thought it was okay, but even she, who loved High School Musical and touted it as a master opus agreed that there were cheesy parts. But she endured it because I think she secretly likes Robert Pattinson but couldn't tell me in fear of being torn to pieces. I guess she doesn't know that I concede that Robert Pattinson is NOW Edward Cullen. Even in my head.

Gads, I wish he could act just a teensy bit better, but after Mandy Moore, Pattinson might actually deserve an Oscar. I mean, throw the guy a bone. He tried really, really, really hard. And he almost got there, missing believability just by seventeen miles. And I like him. Because he's a Frodo trying to conquer Mount Doom. Look at what he had to endure: Acting with pancake face and loony hair while personifying a tough-guy-but-not-really-wait-i'm-a-killer-but-oh-not-really who just fell in love with a limp, ansty-but-not-really teenaged girl.... whew!

The only time he outrageously (as opposed to conservatively) disappointed me was when he stood under the sunlight. I was expecting a spectacular sparkle, you know, like almost-blinding sparkle, like a small star. But instead, he wussy-sparkled. I mean, that glittering stuff on him was laaaaame. My Sally Hansen nail polish sparkles better. But that's not his fault. It's the make-up department's bad.

Oh, and Bob's waaaaaay better than the guy who played Jasper. Did you see his acting intepretation of "the one who looks like he's in pain"? He looked electrocuted and constipated at the same friggin' time.

I'm a little disappointed with Kirsten Stewart as well. Where's the spunky girl I saw in Panic Room? Completely dissolved to a confused, passive-aggressive teenager who likes boys that sparkles like Sally Hansen in sunlight.

And Doctor Carlisle looked like a Munster. How in the world was that guy cast as a Doctor? I was half-expecting somebody to jump out and say "You got Punkd!"

But I'm not going to complain. I will actually give it a C+, when I fully expected to give it a fat, thick D-. And it had some wow moments in it:

a. When Edward speed-walked up the mountain while carrying Bella
b. The view of the valley that time Edward took Bella on top of trees (beats hhww in Luneta, I admit).
c. Jacob Black. Yummy. I can almost forget he was Lava-boy.

Bloodless the film might be. But it saved me from from having nightmares about Mandy Moore. I know how to be thankful.

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