Wednesday, December 03, 2008

How to Write Like Stephenie Meyer


  • Treat your audiences as if they have never read romance novels before. Don’t shy away from gooey clichés such as “You are my life now.” They became clichés because people liked them. Suck the money out of it; bleed it dry.

  • Make your primary character as physically flawless as possible. Then put a lot of angst into him to make him adorably flawed. Make his bad side as pretty as possible.

  • Speaking of adorably flawed, counteract angst with Claire de Lune. Debussy is like, the original rebel emo…

  • Choose a passive-aggressive heroine. One as confused as a headless chicken. Make her a damsel-in-distress but make her hate it --- and voila! You transcended a stereotype already.

  • Sex is out. Sexual tension is in. Make them wanna, but don’t let them do it for a long, long, long, long time. Make sex dangerous for both of them. Learn from Buffy and Angel (LOSE YOUR SOUL). Learn from Buffy and Spike (LOSE YOUR BAD). Learn from Buffy and Freddie Prinze Jr. (LOSE YOUR CAREER)

  • Defy vampire lore. But not all of them. Retain their unearthly beauty but invent everything else. Sparkly vampires under the sun are new. To someone who probably hasn’t heard of Shimmer make-up (refer to Revlon).

  • Throw in your SOC 1 mini-thesis about different types of vampires that you scammed of Google. Word count COUNTS. (refer to Nanowrimo)

  • Throw in Rosemary’s Baby into your plot. If the book has a fifth installment, I’m sure Freddy Kreuger and Jason would want a cameo too.

  • Freak things up by naming the cute vampire baby Renesmee. Then freak it up some more by imprinting her to the werewolf guy the heroine dumped for the vampire. Everybody has somebody now. It’s nice to be so tidy. Snip, snip.

    Follow these tips and you’ll have a sure blockbuster in your hand. Adolescents will line up to buy your book. They will fight over who plays your vampire hero. They will attend parties in the movie’s honor. The film will gross millions. Your name will be up there with JK Rowling and… JK Rowling.

    You will be --- IMMORTAL!

    (Cue end music: FAME! I wanna live forever! Blah, blah, blah like a flame. Fame! I’m gonna make it to heaven, You’ll remember my name!)

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:38 AM

    Splendid!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous4:59 AM

    Oh, cool. I want to b an author...so this really helps. Thankyou =D

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  3. Heh. Nice and snarky. I like it.

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  4. frankly, I don't understand why one would want to write like Stephanie Meyer - she is, at best, average.

    ReplyDelete