Saturday, May 12, 2007
Why does it feel like I'm disintegrating into air?
I spent the whole day lying down on my back, slipping from wakefulness to sleep then to wakefulness again. Today, I am pain and it was everything I am conscious of. Pain in the back, stomach cramps, pain in my heart...
I hurt everywhere imaginable.
We said goodbye to my closest friend at work last night. She made the leap and resigned from PBSP. Hurrah for her bravery to face the unknown! Whatever it is that's waiting for her back in Bicol, I hope it's something bright and beautiful.
Now there's the matter of dealing with life without her in the office. Hmmm, what a quieter place it would be.
If I was just the kind of person who was full of herself, I'd start thinking there must be some conspiracy to "keep Olivia reeling." Important people in my life keep disappearing. There was a time when I was the one who breeze through people as if I do not really need them. Now that it has become painfully clear to me that it isn't true, the people I want to hold on closer to are vanishing. But I know that the world doesn't revolve around me, and these people I love need to go on with their lives. They have such bright futures ahead. So bright, it dazzles my eyes. And perhaps, the intensity of their fire-bright tomorrow blinds me a little so that when I look back on what I have, it seems bleak. These quiet little things I have before me. This old chair. This broken electric fan. This quiet house. This faded shirt I'm wearing.
I am certain that I am not being melodramatic when I say this: I have never felt so alone as I do tonight.