Liv in a Life Well-Lived

I was told that we search for our own happiness.. I have always known this. And I always thought I knew where my happiness lies. It had always been my family. No matter how tough life has gotten the last few years, as long as we're together, I was ok. But I guess that concept would need some revision now. Why couldn't it have been this gradual thing --- this loss? Why do they have to go like packaged peas in a pod? One goes and the other follows... Would it have been such a difficult life if Mummy remained? Or why is it that since Mummy was the one who was prepared to leave, why didn't she go first? At least, there would be that consolation that she is peaceful in heaven. I know it's childish thinking, but would it have been too much to ask to still have at least one of them with us? Would it have altered the universe so much to still have one parent to love us? A lot of things are telling me Daddy is still not in peace. His presence at home although diminished is still...

I miss you guys. Every night I dread going home because I am lonely inside that big house. Sure, the others are always with me... but you two aren't. Sometimes, it also hurts to reread the stuff I've written on my blog. Because it reminds me of everything we had as a family and everything that is forever beyond my reach now. Like your arms. Like the warmth of your palms when you're smoothing my hair, trying to make all the aches and pains of the world disappear with your comforting. Like the kisses you've always given like free tickets to hope. I'll never have those back now. And I am miserable. I try so hard to be happy, for the sake of moving on. But I find that the past keeps pulling at me. And me, I would rather be stuck, I suppose. Than face a world where I wouldn't have the two of you behind me. I weep everyday and I hurt everyday and I am tired everyday. My instincts want me to tear out my heart so that it would be this separate thing from me. It seems in...

Yes, inside my room stands two towers ... Two montezuma-sized towers of new books which I have barely touched the last 2 months. It's no secret that when it comes to books, I'm an impulsive buyer. If a title I was looking for catches my eye, or I was grabbed by the blurb of another one, I rarely hesitate to procure it. And nowadayas, I am barely human to resist temptation. I think I'm trying to keep myself distracted with this little errands I keep making up so that I won't have to spend time at home. So I could forget. I really think I am crippled in my thinking and feeling lately. I keep asking myself what it could probably be. Kanina sa simbahan, I was crying talaga, and I felt the impulse to call Gilda or Raffi. I wanted to ask them who I should approach to talk about my increasing anxiety. It has stopped feeling nice, this compulsive book-buying. Life has stopped feeling nice, this last few months, actually. So I suppose it just figures. :( Anyway, my reading list ...

Book in Hand: still Black Swan Green by David Mitchell Song in Mind: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane Not feeling well today so I stayed at home. Is the world really expecting I'm all okay now? That after a month of the latest death, I can get back on the rocketship and zoom off to heights above and away? I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. Again. Burglar, Burglar Our backyard was burglarized the other day. They took away a rake, the grill, and a CD player. Why do we have a CD player in the garden, you ask? Well, because Daddy put it there. He wanted the house surrounded by music. It's not unusual in our house to have a radio in every room. Really. Minsan, even the bathroom. So after the break in, I went out and bought security floodlights, sensors and alarms. This Thursday, I'll even have the barbed wire super electrified. Anybody else who tries to climb in at night would have to die. And I'm not calling the paramedics. Sorry. Sympathy, where have you g...

life in mini-pics five months ago, when I was still in the luzon operations unit five months ago, when she was still strong five months ago, when he was in the hospital and Ella can't get enough of the flimsy camphone this is where Mummy and Daddy are resting now Gabe makes me smile now you know why... :) a new addition to my fave kids collection, CJ -- my nephew from Kuya Chito Gabe and CJ making life bearable (taken during the aglipay reunion) japanese doll in Mr. JanB Banson's office la mesa eco park, pang-mtv! boating area in la mesa, can't believe this is still fairview... ella during the int'l social science honor society induction ceremony tertz and me during the dlsu workshop in estancia resort, tagaytay when friends from work and i went to tagaytay, I made it a point to visit the franciscan missionaries church which we often visited as a family dito ako ikakasal, if ever... Caleruega also visited Pink Sisters of the Divine Mercy road trip, passenger seat naviga...

I have called the angels from the sky And waited long for the saints’ replies Held on tight to a shaky faith Placed every thing I have and know at stake Did everything I can to make you stay No matter how much my soul has strayed But you were ready to leave Nothing I can do can help relieve your pain Chorus: So my prayers have come to this A single tear and a broken wish A dream that must come to an end For my strength just can’t contend With the will that controls all our Fate I asked for too much far too late Knew it was coming, just didn’t know when I’d be losing you to heaven. All stories and songs must someday fade And the memories the world has made But I’ll take my chance to write you this To let you know you’re truly missed And we will move on as we should live The love you’ve given and love received Will keep you in our hearts far longer than This earth granted time in each others arms… (Chorus) I’ve lost you to heaven But I will see you again I’ve lost you to heaven And it’s ...

#1 : At the risk of sounding like a twelve-year-old I announce to the world that --- I CLEANED MY ROOM! :) Regular readers of this blog will get what this signifies. After months of not being able to enter my room without frowning or hurting myself, I blaggered (an invented word, sorry) it all up and now it's spic and span! Sure, I did not make it through without the dramatic moments. At one point I was hitting the window screen with a broom in the pretense of dusting it off. But I guess my screaming " Ang daya daya daya niyo!!! Bakit kayo nang-iwan!##%! !" gave my real feelings away. I came across my parents' photos and memorabilias I didn't want to see and true enough, it hurt, but --- I have filed, separated, segmented, categorized everything there. Now, I believe I can say that I've cleaned up my ac t and I'm ready to move on . #2 : At the risk of sounding like a fourteen-year-old, I also announce that ---- I DID MY LAUNDRY!!! I love doing the laund...

taken in batangas during the artificial reef deployment. can't say I never smile anymore....