Thursday, March 04, 2010

When You Come To a Fork on the Road --- Take It!

Who knows, the next corner, you might find the spoon. :D

Recently, I have been thinking long and hard about what direction I ought to take with my life. I have harped on long enough about not knowing where to go, and I have committed so much energy to it that I failed to recognize the silver lining: well, doesn’t that just mean you can go anywhere???

Anywhere you choose, Olivia! Anything that sets your heart on fire, you could go there. All you have to do is to take a step, in any direction, and you’re there. For your whole life you have been preaching to your sister that God takes us where we are meant to go, but how much have you lived that precept? You only go when you understand where you’re meant to go, when you can see a path. But don’t you also like to talk about how sometimes you can’t see what’s ahead of you, and all you need is Faith? Are we all talk, and no real visible action now?

Inside the bathroom, where all my best ideas come from, I realized that instead of seeing the sudden lack of purpose as a problem, I ought to see it as an opportunity. My parents were tired; what if their deaths were their last gift to my sister and me? The way I saw it, I wanted to succeed in life because I wanted to give them respite from all the sacrifices they have given us. They’ve worked long and hard, postponing so many of their own dreams because they needed to send us to school and support our dreams. Never did they impose their own desires over our own. What if, at the end of their days, in their amazingly selfless hearts, they wanted my sister and I to have a chance to follow our aspirations without being tied down with concerns about paying hospital bills, and answering credit card summons and worrying where to get the next round of transportation allowance?

I know this sounds so self-involved, as if the world revolves around my sister and me. But if you knew my parents, you would know that to them, this is true. They would give their right arm to keep us away from heartbreak and sadness. In fact, they gave their whole lives to that mission. And here I am, wasting it by whining and giving in to desolation.

Olivia, there’s a fork in the road; it’s right in front of you: take it!

It is your parents’ last gift: Freedom to become the person you wanted to be.

I’ve held on to the myth of “Logical Sequence of Life” = that each step we make must be connected to the ones we meant to take next. I’ve held on to it for so long that when I can’t see the next stepping stone, or it eludes me, or it’s still kind of fuzzy, I don’t take any step at all. Meaning I’ve been standing here for ages now, and I’m wasting time!

The day I forgot that life is a gift is the day I failed myself. I cannot bear to fail anymore. Not after realizing what has been sacrificed so that I could lead my life --- a life that’s not always happy or comfortable, but a life engaged with living. A life learned from. A life worth writing about. And a life with a multitude of forks and spoons making music every time I take a step forward.

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