Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Quest for the Acceptable Swimsuit

Summer is here. It’s time for the ubiquitous summer outings and gimmicks where everyone is encouraged to bare it all for the glaring Sun. Just last week, I accompanied my sister while she shopped for swim wear, which also happens to be my least favorite activity right after falling in line for a friggin’ useless sedula.

Being big in some parts of her body, (aherm), she just can’t shop anywhere. But Marks and Spencer’s have forgiving sizes and she found a dress she can wear over her old swimsuit. Warily, I eyed a black lace see-thru summer tunic which looks painfully warm for summer, but undoubtedly sexy. Maybe a little too much for me. Then it occurred to me that our summer outing is uncomfortably near, and I still use the flowery blue swimsuit my Dad bought for me in high school. Yes, the one that makes me look like a walking flower patch, or as Gabe once screamed in open water, a blue whale (it didn’t help that I was also wearing a blue snorkeling mask). Maybe it really was time to change the outfit, all things considered. So I started looking around for something that’ll fit me.

It might’ve been easier for me to attempt to cross the Potomac during an air raid in beshackled feet. Seriously, you’d think people who are size 16 and above completely hibernates during summer given the total lack of wardrobe calibrated for the big body beautiful. To be utterly clear, finding the right size isn’t the problem. It’s finding the right style that presents the bigger challenge.

Oh you know those dead sexy bikini tops with sweetheart necklines that would completely flatter your Fifi and Lala? Yeah, you better wear a sarong right after the bust line because your milky white bangus complexion protruding tummy will surely overshadow (and over-peak) your ladies. How about that one piece athletic swimwear with tummy control mechanism which would take you half a day to squeeze into? By the time you get yourself all swimmered up, the outing is almost over, or worse, you gotta pee. And forget about eating; not even one sliver of a Dorito or you’ll just combust. Wait, how about those bikini tops that have attached see-through cloth to cover tummies with? Yeah, those. They’re probably okay except you look like a walking window valance display. And I can only imagine swimming or snorkeling with a frilly top like that --- it’ll just irritate me every time it flaps and rides up in water.

And how about bottoms eh? Bikini is definitely out. I had to squint to see where the straps went after trying one on. There was also this one ridiculous piece that has frills around the leg holes, in the effort to hide more of your crotch. All I needed were yellow tights, a unicycle and a red ball and I’d be hired by PT Barnum in a hot new york minute.

My litany could go on and on, but people can only withstand so much pain. So, I will just declare that if you’re a big girl, try wearing a Lycra tank top and pair it with mini board shorts instead. No, it will not hide your flabby arms, nor will it be able to redistribute your love handles to your breasts, but hey, we can’t win ‘em all, right?

Besides, do what I do. When at the beach, the best thing to cover your body with would be the turquoise waters of the sea. Dip in and never resurface until you see people trying to call the Coast Guards. Believe me, you’ll have a better time than those who just went to flaunt it. But then I’m a closet loner, so don’t take my word for it.

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