All Cracked Up
My name is Violet and consider yourself forewarned.
Turn away now, cautious reader, who does not wish to dwell on dark epiphanies.
I am young. I am spoiled. I am spineless. I am almost nearly insane.
I haven't been feeling well for months now. My mind had been alternating dark and bright. My body, sensitive to my varying moods, has been on the verge of a breakdown - - just waiting for the last pin to fall and break its back.
Today, I woke up to an overcast sky and knew something was wrong.
Today, my mind is dark. In response, my body was at the throes of another sickness. Couldn't get up. Couldn't go to work. Couldn't function normally. I could just muster enough energy for the frequent trips to the bathroom and only because it was necessary. Ha.
This is me talking about depression and diarrhea.
The only solution I know is to benumb myself, severe myself from that source of black emotions which I know would swallow me if I remain connected to it. Slept all day and escaped half of it. It's just that tonight, when my Dad realized I was unwell enough and skipped work, he admonished me for not taking better care of myself. He told me not to avoid doctors and physical exams. Well, I wasn't. Those General MDs wouldn't know how to cure what's really wrong with me though.
He then proceeded to tell me, I should remain strong because he's depending on me. The whole family was. And he looked so hopeful saying that, so sure in his conviction that it shattered me inside.
Poor Daddy. He thinks his little girl is so able, probably made of superwoman stuff. He cannot see the cracks in my personality, the filaments of instability that has wrought a web about me. I stared into thin air a few seconds longer than what would have been the normal reaction, unable to assure him I will be alright. I do not have the courage to assuage him I can carry all of us out of the squagmire. I cannot lie to my father.
A few nights ago, my epiphany came from watching Oprah - - the cruelest of all ironies. The peddler of pop culture and all modern trivialities led me to the scariest realization I ever had. Her topic was mental instability and she had celebrity guests describe their plunge into darkness. My formal learning from Psychology kicked in. I was only too happy to analyze their symptoms, enjoying the fact that I can diagnose them before they admitted it themselves. It was then when something started to whisper inside my head until it rose to a scream. The idea started to jump up and down trying to get my attention. Finally, it dawned on me. "Listen, they are talking about me."
It chilled me to know it was true. I had been living life like a golem ever since, knowing that my ability to function is only due to the fact that it seem to have been hardwired in my system - - act normal, act happy. Inside though, the awareness settles heavily; not normal, not happy.
I tell you this only because it is all I have to say. I do not need your platitudes. You will not convince me I am okay. Only God can save me and I am the only who can find my own way. I already know He has plans for me or else He would've given me what i wanted long before - - permanent peace. This dark journey is for me alone.
I will see you on the other side. And if I don't, well, you dear reader, with your happy life ahead of you, would never really know.
Turn away now, cautious reader, who does not wish to dwell on dark epiphanies.
I am young. I am spoiled. I am spineless. I am almost nearly insane.
I haven't been feeling well for months now. My mind had been alternating dark and bright. My body, sensitive to my varying moods, has been on the verge of a breakdown - - just waiting for the last pin to fall and break its back.
Today, I woke up to an overcast sky and knew something was wrong.
Today, my mind is dark. In response, my body was at the throes of another sickness. Couldn't get up. Couldn't go to work. Couldn't function normally. I could just muster enough energy for the frequent trips to the bathroom and only because it was necessary. Ha.
This is me talking about depression and diarrhea.
The only solution I know is to benumb myself, severe myself from that source of black emotions which I know would swallow me if I remain connected to it. Slept all day and escaped half of it. It's just that tonight, when my Dad realized I was unwell enough and skipped work, he admonished me for not taking better care of myself. He told me not to avoid doctors and physical exams. Well, I wasn't. Those General MDs wouldn't know how to cure what's really wrong with me though.
He then proceeded to tell me, I should remain strong because he's depending on me. The whole family was. And he looked so hopeful saying that, so sure in his conviction that it shattered me inside.
Poor Daddy. He thinks his little girl is so able, probably made of superwoman stuff. He cannot see the cracks in my personality, the filaments of instability that has wrought a web about me. I stared into thin air a few seconds longer than what would have been the normal reaction, unable to assure him I will be alright. I do not have the courage to assuage him I can carry all of us out of the squagmire. I cannot lie to my father.
A few nights ago, my epiphany came from watching Oprah - - the cruelest of all ironies. The peddler of pop culture and all modern trivialities led me to the scariest realization I ever had. Her topic was mental instability and she had celebrity guests describe their plunge into darkness. My formal learning from Psychology kicked in. I was only too happy to analyze their symptoms, enjoying the fact that I can diagnose them before they admitted it themselves. It was then when something started to whisper inside my head until it rose to a scream. The idea started to jump up and down trying to get my attention. Finally, it dawned on me. "Listen, they are talking about me."
It chilled me to know it was true. I had been living life like a golem ever since, knowing that my ability to function is only due to the fact that it seem to have been hardwired in my system - - act normal, act happy. Inside though, the awareness settles heavily; not normal, not happy.
I tell you this only because it is all I have to say. I do not need your platitudes. You will not convince me I am okay. Only God can save me and I am the only who can find my own way. I already know He has plans for me or else He would've given me what i wanted long before - - permanent peace. This dark journey is for me alone.
I will see you on the other side. And if I don't, well, you dear reader, with your happy life ahead of you, would never really know.
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