Monday, June 09, 2014

The Parentless Adult: 5 Things We Need Your Help to Remember

It had been 8 years since my parents were welcomed back by the Creator. About half of those years were the darkest season of my soul, but then afterwards, it alarmed me how fast things have changed. The heart is a sentimental creature; years from now, you can still evoke the same emotions of grief, happiness or regret. However, the mind still controls everything you remember, as well as what you ought to feel as you look back.

It's so easy to forget the little things now. That's why I try to make a mental exercise out of it and force my brain to remember: the mornings I woke up to smells of Spam frying, the music of Roger Whittaker blaring from the downstairs stereo, the hum of conversation as my parents discuss the affairs for the day. How my mother smells after a bath, her soft skin as she tucks my hair behind my ear, the color of her eyeglasses which aims to hide her partially blind eye. How she would sit at the foyer, facing my bedroom door, while she prays the rosary well into the night. My father's restless energy as he flits around the house trying to find anything to do to keep his hands busy, his happy voice rising in a song, his laughter filling the downstairs hall.

But some things fade whether we like it or not. And I think I have been so focused about not forgetting the little things that I have forgotten about some of the bigger things. The other day, I was getting all hot and bothered about my boyfriend's mother wanting to treat us to a day in Tagaytay. I said I don't feel comfortable "na nililibre". Then my boyfriend patiently reminded me, "But she's a parent, and parents like treating their children. That's what they do, remember?"

And although I was touched to be thought of as someone's child again, I was also embarrassed. I have been parentless for so long that I have forgotten the joys that parents get out of a simple family day, regardless of the cost.

And that brought me to the realization that I need help. Maybe all parentless adults need help. Someone needs to remind us of how it felt to be part of a whole family unit, and how some times, you do not have to do it the hard way at all.

So here's a list of what we might need help remembering years after :

1. It's not always about Pride. A lot of times, it's about Love - i really hate being indebted to anyone. A lot of people (my boyfriend, for example) loves being treated to things. A free dinner, free movie, free shopping spree, etc. But ever since my parents died, I have forgotten how it feels to make "lambing", to ask for something you really want, without the fear of being judged as weak or inept or impractical. Remind us that being able to take care of own needs is great, but there is nothing wrong about accepting gifts or free things, because it's not always about pride, but in the best of times, it is because you are loved.

2. Telling people what you're up to - My parents were very strict about where my sister and I went. I had my first solo foray when I was already 16 years old, and that's walking the 2 kilometers between my school and my house. I felt very rebellious because I didn't go straight home. I stopped by a local 7-11 and bought Slurpee before I went home. Wow, right? And it didn't improve much from then. Even when i was already working, I still had to account for all my hours to my parents. Since I had to travel a lot, the compromise was that I have to give them a copy of my itinerary so they can keep tabs on my safety. But since they've been gone, i suddenly have total independence. And it's been like this for a long time that I have forgotten that people who still care might want to know what I've been up to. So remind me when I seem to have forgotten that you have people to consult about your schedule, or what you want to do. It's not that I'm self-centered, but just that I have forgotten how parents care where you go and what you do.

3. Celebrating the little holidays - It's not like we forget celebrating Mother's or Father's Day. We can't even if we wanted to, with what the deluge of FB posts and TV commercials can't let us forget. I don't know about others, but I have built up a certain reticence about these little holidays because they hurt so damn much if I allow myself to care. But what I have been trying to remember is to send a message to the people who have been like a mother or father to us instead. Also, I'm not exactly one of those people who hate overtly expressive people who post "I'm so lucky my parents are still alive to see...blah blah blah", although it does seem pretty insensitive if you think about it, and a bit of TMI. It wouldn't hurt to tone it down though. :D

4. Family time - if I'm going to be very honest, I only have a family of 3. That's me, my sister, and my cousin who is also orphaned. But we are individual units of 1, and sometimes we have schedules so insane they hardly meet. It wouldn't be like that if our parents were alive. There will be at least 1 day where we have to do activities together. So far, we're not doing so bad but I can see how other orphaned brothers and sisters might have the trouble. We need to be reminded that some family traditions are worth continuing. Spending time with your kin should be one of them.

5. You are not alone - even if you have sisters or brothers, a parentless adult can still feel alone. There is just this feeling of loss of protection that can't easily be shaken off. There are things in your life that even your siblings can't understand, and wisdom from your parents would have come in handy. There are things out there that feels so big to us, that we can't fathom taking it on our own, and we find ourselves wishing we had our parents to help us fight the battle. They were like demi-gods to us, always a bit more powerful and more knowing than we could ever hope to be. So we overprepare for battle, we arm ourselves to the teeth, because we feel there's nothing there to fall back to if we fail. There is only the very hard way forward, and no way to overcome it but through it. Please. Remind us, it doesn't have to be that hard. That there are people who will help us, if we ask. That we are still protected, and that if we fall, somebody will still help us back up.

Somebody (I don't like very much) once told me, "You're lucky, you don't have your parents to worry about anymore." The one thing you have to remember about us though is that, even if it will be difficult, even if it will be full of hardships, I would choose having my parents here with us every. single. time.

Help us remember.

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